mantra, anyone?

"you need a mantra."

i stared at my therapist. huh?

"you spend a lot of time in your head. you need a mantra to refocus."

hmm. okay. makes sense. i guess. so we ran through a few. nothing struck me.

then: "let go or be dragged."

"no."

"why not?"

"i see myself being drug all over the place with that one."

she cocks her head at me.

"yeah, i know. that's the one."

flashback to five years ago, when i heard the same thing: "ever think that you are allowing yourself to be strung along?" ouch. maybe it's just me, but that's a painful reality. nothing hurts more than the truth sometimes.

so, "let go or be dragged" is my new mantra. now, i don't want you to picture me sitting around on a mat, burning incense and chanting (though, some days, that might prove to be helpful...)

for me, the mantra is to help me get back the moment. one of the worst things for me to do when dealing with ED or any other negative stressor is to dwell on it--breath life into it and give it room to grow. it happens--more than i would like to admit.

maybe it sounds crazy: why would i choose to be drug around by negative thoughts? good question. i'd rather not be, but for me, it's my "autopilot:" the route my mind naturally takes. if you actually saw the thought process to get back to what most of you would call "normal," you'd be exhausted.

distractions help. they're a lifesaver some days.

creating gets me out of my head. it's hard to concentrate on irrational thoughts when i'm flattening bottle caps. in fact, using the rubber mallet is quite therapeutic.

here's my newest jewelry adventure: bottle cap pendants. i made this one in honor of my son :)

this is me: refusing to be drug.

run away cats

yes, it's been a while. too long. my apologies.

so, anyway, last week, my cats ran away. both of them. at different times. it was like they were tag teaming my nerves or something.

gabby and tino are indoor cats. mostly because i am overprotective and haven't lived anywhere with a fence until i married david. besides, i want them inside to cuddle with me.

last friday night, my sweet in-laws came over to install the back splash in our kitchen, which means the wet saw was being used, which means the garage was needed, which led to no one thinking about putting up the cat door stopper. oops.

around midnight, david realized gabby was missing, which led to us roaming the streets for her (me, half asleep in my old pink bath robe). no luck. solution? sleep with the garage door up. she'll come home.

and she did. by 5 am, gabby was on the bed meowing. and tino was no where to be found.

i admit it: tino is my favorite. yes, he is BAD, and can be intensely annoying, but he's the sweetest animal i've ever encountered. seriously. he loves to be in my lap on the couch. in the bed, he prefers to be the "little spoon."

so, yes, at this point, i paniced a bit. overall, i did a great job of keeping it together. i just kept reminding myself of how the stress could affect the baby. i tried my best to remain calm. by 9 pm, when i turned off the bedroom light, i was convinced he was gone for good. no amount of roaming the streets, driving around, or calling had produced my cat.

sleep lasted only a few hours. by 11:30, i was sitting outside on the driveway, propped up in david's tailgate chair with a beach towel to ease the chill.

after a short while, i noticed all the cars, mostly with teenage boys or boy/girl combinations, flying down the street. huh?  then it clicked: date night. midnight curfew. beginning of summer--don't blow it.

my hand immediately went to my belly. great. this is what i have to look forward to: waiting up for my son to come home once he's driving on his own. flashback to my own mother waiting for me in high school. big sigh.

then, mild panic: if i am this saddened by my cat running away, what would i ever do if my CHILD did this? panic: or if he was taken from me? i immediately began to think of all the stories of lost children--how in the world did those mothers go on every day, not knowing, wondering, worrying, panicking? enter massive panic. sobbing. over my run away cat and unborn missing child. thank you, hormones.

reflecting a week later, i'm still trying to see what i can learn from the experience. my conclusion? i need to trust more. i need to trust that there is always a bigger picture. the hardest part is accepting that it might not ever be revealed to me.

after searching for a verse to help me believe and learn to trust, i've settled on this one:

Isaiah 12:2: " Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense;  he has become my salvation. ”

i've had several moments of panic and sheer terror since finding out i was pregnant. from small incidents to letting my worries get the best of me, it's been an up and down experience so far (more up than down, but still...). developing a greater sense of trust will  help me get through the next few months, and, more importantly, the rest of my life as a mother. because it never ends, this parent gig. i've always known that, but am now beginning to understand it intimately.

thankfully, this small misadventure had a happy ending: at 12:45 am, sleepless, i decided to lie across the spare room bed, where i could see the cat door and most likely hear it opening. a little orange head popped through at 1:49 am.

my little spoon :)

rest

rest. i think i overlook this verb frequently. as a woman, there always seems to be something to do. be it dishes, laundry, personal care, whatever. we do. and we do a lot.

i love children. i've spent the past ten years in the early care and education field. in the nonprofit sector, nonetheless. obviously, i did not choose this to get rich.

when i think about become a mother to this precious baby inside of me, i sometimes start to panic. what will that be like? will i be able to handle motherhood?

my worries stem from what i know about myself: i am a giver. i hate to say no (though i am getting much better at it). i like things to be as perfect as they can be (though i am learning to be more gentle with myself). i worry about not resting as i should...i cringe at the thought of eating my words (i am always telling the parents i work with to take time for themselves. you can't give to your family if you don't take any meet your own needs).

and then i breath. i reflect. i remember that i am not alone. i am not perfect, nor am i expected to be.

"Then Jesus said to them 'Come to me, all who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest.'" ~Matthew 11:28

along with a love of children comes the love of child-like things: books, linking toys and stuffed animals, just to name a few. it is this passion that reminds me of one of my favorite passages in scripture:

"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'"  ~Matthew 19:14

what does it all come down to? faith. faith that things will work out as they should, in their own time. with all the bumps and curves that come with it.

today, i bought my baby a gift. i fell in love with it onsite. when i saw the back of it, i knew it was for me as much as my child.

bunnies for buganda is a wonderful fair-trade ministry that makes these adorable animals. i loved the idea of a child receiving one because i purchased one for my own. for now, it serves as a reminder that it's okay to rest. to let go of worries. that i need to rely on faith. even more, i can't wait for the day to explain the meaning behind it to my own little one.

p.s. you can "like" bunnies for buganda on facebook too (of course).

all you need

i'm a sucker for cheese. cheesy stuff, that is. give me a good romantic comedy.  pick me a flower. set the coffee pot for me. if it's a sweet gesture, i'll fall for it every time.

one of my favorite movies is love actually. what's not to love? it combines my slight obsession with british culture, colin firth, hugh grant, a great soundtrack, and, of course, an extra dose of cheese. it's hard to choose a favorite scene, but this one is definitely one of them (along with the mark and juliet "carol singers" scene):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqHRMuUhmnA
**Note embedding was disabled. Just take the extra second to click and watch it, okay?**

oh yeah, the movie also has a wedding. and a proposal. cheese overload? yes, please.

anyway. so at the end of last june, i attended my first magnolia creek alumni reunion. the timing was perfect: i was stressed. i was tired. i was feeling alone.

the last activity we did that day involved each of us getting a sheet of paper with a single phrase on it. we were told that we had to figure out how they were related. this was mine:

coincidence? i think not.

it now hangs on my closet door as a reminder.

i've mentioned faith and fate on this blog a lot already, but i'll say it again: despite the rough times i've been through (and am sure are ahead too), i truly believe that everything happens some way for a reason. there is no accident. life is a chain of events.

it is this amazing group of women in recovery that reminded me that creating is therapy for me. and a reason i started this blog in the first place. yeah, i know, the crafts haven't been showing up...(oops)

but i have been creating! see?

i love my crafts. love the process. love the thought that goes into them. however, the best ones are made with love.

it should be ready at the end of october.

(side note: to those who understand, it's a "tough mudder" baby!)

bingeing

for those of us who fight the urge to binge and purge, it's usually related to a need to escape. a way to numb out from life. to not deal with whatever situations, emotions, or worries are plaguing us.

ed tells you its the only way to deal with the mess inside your head.

yet another one of his lies.

my daily quote calendar has given me some great inspiration for posts. i'm just now getting around to writing one...(if i did this during working hours, it would happen more often.)

see, i've been living. enjoying life. getting outside of my head. a lot.

julia child said it best: life itself is the proper binge.

this past weekend, i enjoyed frozen limeades, sunshine and a book i could not put down (sing you home). i opened the windows and took long naps. i went to easter service. alone. i painted my toenails a glittery red. i window shopped online. i watched an old movie on lifetime.

yes, it was a binge: a "i'm doing whatever i want, when i want, outside of my thoughts and feelings" weekend. and at night, when my husband returned home from his last working weekend (YAY!), i snuggled up against him on the couch and in the bed. 

i didn't run away. i lived. and i loved every minute of it.

yet another reason why i am a cat person

in general, i do not enjoy exercising. not even a tiny bit. i'd much rather drink water and watch a fitness dvd while lounging on the couch then actually copy the obnoxious, incredibly too perky instructor with abs of steel and a butt on which you could serve tea.

however, in making bigger attempts to eat right and stay fit (and this whole "recovery" thing in general), i am trying to be more physically active.

i came home today and engaged in my usual after work routine (pjs, glass of water, facebook). then, deciding that it was good weather to be outside, i changed clothes again (okay, lie. i put a pullover and tennis shoes on), grabbed cooper's leash, my older-than-dirt ipod mini (because my newest one disappeared at work over a year ago) and headed outside.

i must stop here. cooper is "mine" by marriage. he is my step-dog. for the most part, though i give my husband a hard time, cooper is a fairly good dog (mainly because all he generally does is eat and sleep. oh--and fart. a lot).

so, being good doggy mom i am, i decided to bring cooper along, right? bad idea.

picture it: me, happily striding along to the beatles. cooper, walking, sniffing and attempting to mark everything. we make it a good 20 minutes. then, disaster strikes.

enter cute little yorkie. see cooper sniff. watch mommy tug on leash. see cooper defy mommy and continue to sniff, despite being drug away. go cooper. go yorkie. see cooper duck his head. oh no! the collar came off. run yorkie, run. run cooper, run. oh, crap.

mommy does not like to run.

meanwhile, back at home, my cats are lounging on the bed.

::sigh::

wisdom via dr. seuss

"If things start happening, don't worry, don't stew, just go right along and you'll start happening too."

such a simple statement, yet so profound.

it reminds me that the way we interpret a situation, either by reading too much into it, letting our feelings get the best of us, or immediately deciding that something is "bad," can have quite an impact on the outcome.

i wish i were more positive. i have to work on it most days. david calls me "negative nancy."  i like to refer to myself as "realistic rachel."

things don't always turn out great. but, they don't always turn out horrible.

i think that expecting the worst must be my primary defense mechanism--as if i try to keep myself from being disappointed by not thinking that good things will happen to me. 

but, if i let my intellect take over, i can see that, at least for the past few years, this is far from logical. on the contrary, most situations turn out okay, at worst, and great, a best.

perhaps it is time to work harder on "going right along." i'm ready to start happening--life has only just begun.


as for my "creations," there have been some lately. i just keep forgetting to take pictures (yes, i know...). my goal this next week is to play catch up. stay tuned!


but now, the lake air is calling--it's almost nap time.