if you actually know me, you know that i derive a great deal of personal satisfaction from my job. in fact, i was so miserable at the job prior to this one that i gave up a good 11K to go back into nonprofit work. (what can i say, i love to see my work making a difference...)
my first year, i faced a lot of obstacles. 3 of the 4 child care centers that were slated to partner with us to my hiring fell through within one week of my accepting the position. after getting into my work, i proposed a different approach, and was told (*note interpretation) to go with it because there wasn't a wrong way to do it. and it worked. very well, actually, for my first two years.
i loved going to work. delighted in being amongst my families and their providers.
dang that two year only agreement.
when i left my "home" last year, i was sad. very sad. i had grown attached to those babies. and their parents. and their teachers.
but, at the same time, i was incredibly excited about the new grant that i basically wrote myself (my first ever--though with a great model). about my new curriculum. about the new opportunities.
i did not anticipate the challenges that i would face.
i just KNEW the families at the sites i had enrolled would be eager to sign up for services-making my job just as fulfilling as it had always been. after all, the directors were excited. the teachers were grateful for the extra help. . .
and then i sent out the enrollment forms. ::cue crickets::
these past few months have been a lesson in patience. and tolerance. and acceptance.
there has been a lot of "self talk." of reminding myself that i have done all that i can do. that the fact that enrollment forms have not been returned is not a direct reflection of me.
these statements were reaffirmed this afternoon.
i spent some "overtime" at one of my (soon-to-be, due to enrollment grant needs) four sites. there's really nothing quite like seeing a child "light up" at the sight of you. to feel that enthusiasm in his hug. to experience the pure delight in you picking her up. to hear the genuine appreciation in a parent's reaction to the activity you send home with her and her precious little boy.
yes, i've been in a rut. i've felt like a failure. but, this afternoon, i was reminded of why i do what i do. and, more importantly, was reminded of why i will continue to do so.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
"and just like that, my runnin' days was over."
forrest gump. maybe you have to be from the south, and to have seen the movie in the theatre, to truly appreciate the beauty of the story. oh, and absolutely, positively adore tom hanks in this role.
my husband LOVES this movie. no, like REALLY LOVES it. as in, he can recite much of the three hours of script alone...
forrest is a simple minded man. most of us would hate to be this way, but it humbles me. to think about how much we try to complicate life. make such a big deal about everything. how much easier life could be if we just lived.
when he thinks he has lost jenny forever, thinks maybe he did something to cause it, forrest runs. for years. runs away from life.
for those of us who deal with ED on a daily basis, this is such a perfect analogy for our lives...we run. from life. from stress. from problems. from anything and everything...sometimes, we just run for the sake of running. because it has become a way of life. but it really isn't life. it isn't living.
eventually, the running ends. "i'm pretty tired...i think i'll go home now.
embracing recovery, for me, it exactly like that. no more running away.
forrest runs again though, when he sees how close he is to jenny at the end.
and to hear jenny say "this is my old friend from alabama" both warms and heals my heart--to know that i am forever united to my 'old friend from alabama.'
and to hear "lieutenant dan, this is my jenny."and later, "he's the most beautiful thing i've ever seen" makes me sob like a baby...
it is time to stop running. i'm tired. i'm ready to go home. for good.
david, i will forever be your jenny.
my husband LOVES this movie. no, like REALLY LOVES it. as in, he can recite much of the three hours of script alone...
forrest is a simple minded man. most of us would hate to be this way, but it humbles me. to think about how much we try to complicate life. make such a big deal about everything. how much easier life could be if we just lived.
when he thinks he has lost jenny forever, thinks maybe he did something to cause it, forrest runs. for years. runs away from life.
for those of us who deal with ED on a daily basis, this is such a perfect analogy for our lives...we run. from life. from stress. from problems. from anything and everything...sometimes, we just run for the sake of running. because it has become a way of life. but it really isn't life. it isn't living.
eventually, the running ends. "i'm pretty tired...i think i'll go home now.
embracing recovery, for me, it exactly like that. no more running away.
forrest runs again though, when he sees how close he is to jenny at the end.
and to hear jenny say "this is my old friend from alabama" both warms and heals my heart--to know that i am forever united to my 'old friend from alabama.'
and to hear "lieutenant dan, this is my jenny."and later, "he's the most beautiful thing i've ever seen" makes me sob like a baby...
it is time to stop running. i'm tired. i'm ready to go home. for good.
david, i will forever be your jenny.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
return to paradise, or "wow, i really have started to 'reframe' my thinking'"
we've been home for five days. i'm still a bit sad not to be in paradise, but i had a HUGE realization on friday.
so, i was telling a coworker i had yet to see since my return that our trip was wonderful. absolute bliss. except for getting sick on the last plane ride home (miami and i don't mix, apparently). then, i suddenly remembered what had happened on the way to paradise.
(insert story about how we flew out of miami. got about 30 very turbulent minutes in the air when the flight attendants booked it down the aisle just as the captain announced that we had "engine problems" but we "shouldn't be alarmed" (key: panic! anxiety! where are my coping skills???). eventually, we turned around. deplaned. re-boarded. ended up in mexico later than expected.)
anyway. point being--the old me would have lead with this story. made a BIG deal out of it.
yes, at the time, i was pissed. i was so freaking excited about our trip that it really upset me.
however, now, looking back, i see how i look at it now as a very positive episode. i overcame a negative thought. actually nearly eliminated it from the experience--it is the last thing i think of when i describe the trip.
it was not my "lead off hitter," so to speak.
just a little bump on the way to paradise...for anyone with ED, you know how hard it is to see the good sometimes (well, most of the time on some days).
and wonderful it was! perfect weather. funny commentary to adult entertainment. lots of time spent as close together as possible. wonderful food. lots of laughter. i'll spare you the intimate details, but let's just say it was splendid. period.
i cried the entire way to the airport on tuesday. no joke. david was worried. i told him it was a sign that it was a wonderful trip. we had a much needed time together. i savored every single second of it. my husband freakin' rocks. no, really. he is simply amazing. there are no other words to describe how he makes me feel. i told him several times how "hot" i felt in my bikini. how pretty i felt at dinner.
and it's not my body. it's my spirit.
david is helping me embrace myself. curves. "larger" clothes.
(by the way, this means NEW clothes, which is NEVER a bad thing [thank god for 50% off days at the thrift store where i score absolutely awesome steals on hardly worn clothes that are even better than the old navy and target finds i've outgrown.] **insert MUCH LOVE to lisa nunn. you are AMAZING. i love you. no, REALLY love you, beautiful lady!**)
it's made me think a lot about seeing things differently. something that is ordinary; ugly; boring; or useless can be made into something else. very easily (although sometimes (read: wine bottle project) time consuming).
so, here are a few pictures of my pinterest inspired creations...
as you can see, i'm in a good place. a great place. and super happy.
david: i love you.
so, i was telling a coworker i had yet to see since my return that our trip was wonderful. absolute bliss. except for getting sick on the last plane ride home (miami and i don't mix, apparently). then, i suddenly remembered what had happened on the way to paradise.
(insert story about how we flew out of miami. got about 30 very turbulent minutes in the air when the flight attendants booked it down the aisle just as the captain announced that we had "engine problems" but we "shouldn't be alarmed" (key: panic! anxiety! where are my coping skills???). eventually, we turned around. deplaned. re-boarded. ended up in mexico later than expected.)
anyway. point being--the old me would have lead with this story. made a BIG deal out of it.
yes, at the time, i was pissed. i was so freaking excited about our trip that it really upset me.
however, now, looking back, i see how i look at it now as a very positive episode. i overcame a negative thought. actually nearly eliminated it from the experience--it is the last thing i think of when i describe the trip.
it was not my "lead off hitter," so to speak.
just a little bump on the way to paradise...for anyone with ED, you know how hard it is to see the good sometimes (well, most of the time on some days).
and wonderful it was! perfect weather. funny commentary to adult entertainment. lots of time spent as close together as possible. wonderful food. lots of laughter. i'll spare you the intimate details, but let's just say it was splendid. period.
i cried the entire way to the airport on tuesday. no joke. david was worried. i told him it was a sign that it was a wonderful trip. we had a much needed time together. i savored every single second of it. my husband freakin' rocks. no, really. he is simply amazing. there are no other words to describe how he makes me feel. i told him several times how "hot" i felt in my bikini. how pretty i felt at dinner.
and it's not my body. it's my spirit.
david is helping me embrace myself. curves. "larger" clothes.
(by the way, this means NEW clothes, which is NEVER a bad thing [thank god for 50% off days at the thrift store where i score absolutely awesome steals on hardly worn clothes that are even better than the old navy and target finds i've outgrown.] **insert MUCH LOVE to lisa nunn. you are AMAZING. i love you. no, REALLY love you, beautiful lady!**)
it's made me think a lot about seeing things differently. something that is ordinary; ugly; boring; or useless can be made into something else. very easily (although sometimes (read: wine bottle project) time consuming).
so, here are a few pictures of my pinterest inspired creations...
 |
| this |
 |
| became this! plus dollar tree flowers! |
 |
| lower right two of these $.50 finds at on a shoestring (my new LOVE) |
 |
| the first one of these from on a shoe string |
 |
| + DYI fabric flower = cute cocktails rings! |
 |
| and another removable ring! |
 |
| dollar store document frame + scrapbook paper and + wine corks |
 |
| = DIY dry erase board |
 | |||||||
| and DIY initial artwork! |
david: i love you.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
blue pants are okay
blue pants. these are the ones that have fit nicely for a year.
this morning, they were too snug for comfort. and this is okay. not fitting into them does not mean anything bad. i just means that i am successfully becoming healthier. not fitting into this size is not unhealthy.
ED likes to say it is bad. very bad.
today has been spent separating myself from the ED thoughts.
kimberly knows that she is more than the blue pants. she knows that now the khaki pants, the jeans, and the blue pants are just numbers and standards that ED has used to try to brainwash her into believing that she is defined by numbers.
screw that. big time.
i'm developing more curves. hubby loves it.
and yes, i plan on spending a lot of the next six days naked. on my rooftop terrace. yeah, i said it (we're married. get over it. this is brutal honesty), and i'm proud of it. there is more of me to look at one year later.
screw you, ED.
this morning, they were too snug for comfort. and this is okay. not fitting into them does not mean anything bad. i just means that i am successfully becoming healthier. not fitting into this size is not unhealthy.
ED likes to say it is bad. very bad.
today has been spent separating myself from the ED thoughts.
kimberly knows that she is more than the blue pants. she knows that now the khaki pants, the jeans, and the blue pants are just numbers and standards that ED has used to try to brainwash her into believing that she is defined by numbers.
screw that. big time.
i'm developing more curves. hubby loves it.
and yes, i plan on spending a lot of the next six days naked. on my rooftop terrace. yeah, i said it (we're married. get over it. this is brutal honesty), and i'm proud of it. there is more of me to look at one year later.
screw you, ED.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
the best medicine(s)?
i follow some very inspirational peeps on twitter. @healthyplace is a favorite of mine.
amongst the great articles and blog posts, they tweet some great quotes.
here's one from yesterday: "i know that laughter and sunshine can restore my soul." ~veronica hay
for those of us who deal with ED, this is so.very.true. scary true, to be exact.
i've spoken briefly about how isolating this disorder is--all consuming, really. when we "get inside our heads," it's hard to get out, much less laugh. and oh, how laughter can be a great medicine.
ED tells you that you don't deserve to be happy, to smile, to laugh. laughing until you cry isn't even comprehendable. the same goes with "sunshine." you don't want to be seen. period. if the sun is out and it's warm, more of you, literally, is exposed. blech.
these days, i am loving me some laughter and sunshine. if they are together, even better!
i am fortunate enough to work with some ladies that make me laugh at least 5.7 times a day, minimum. from donna thinking her chapstick is a gluestick, to leslie reading her evaluation comments, to lisa's random thinking out loud, my life is definitely NOT lacking in laughter. many days, i laugh until i cry, or almost spit out my drink (as i nearly did yesterday. thank you, donna!).
i'm extremely blessed to have a husband who loves to see me smile, hear me laugh, and spend time in the sun. some of our happiest times are spent "sunning" at the lake while either reading, floating in the water, and/or laughing at the dogs/neighbors/some other random thing. in fact, our entire honeymoon was spent in the sun. and GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY how excited we are to return there in two weeks!
it's no coinicidence that this quote spoke to me: the night of my wedding reception, my dad and i dance, laughed and sang along to the beatles:
"here comes the sun.
here comes the sun. and i say, it's all right.
little darlin', it's been a long, cold, lonely winter. little darlin', it feels like years since it's been here.
here comes the sun.
here comes the sun. and i say, it's all right.
little darlin', the smile's returning to the faces. little darlin', it seems like years since it's been here.
here comes the sun.
here comes the sun. and i say, it's all right."
for a family that barely survived in the shadows of life, it is oh.so.very.wonderful to be in the sun again.
and i wouldn't be here now if not for my wonderful husband of nearly (as of saturday) one year.
that night, we all danced the night away (yes, even our parents, who both celebrate 35 years of marriage in 2011!), and ended with this:
"when you can't find the light that guides you through a cloudy day;
when the stars ain't shinin' bright and it feels like you've lost your way;
when those candle lights of home burn so very far away,
well, you got to let your soul shine
just like my daddy used to say.
he used to say the soulshine
it's better than sunshine;
it's better than moonshine;
damn sure better than rain.
hey, now people don't mind;
we all get this way sometimes;
you got to let your soul shine;
shine 'til the break of day."
my sweet david, i love you. thanks for the love, the laughter, and the soulshine. i absolutely cannot wait to see what the next fifty years will bring.
photo by morgan howard ;)
amongst the great articles and blog posts, they tweet some great quotes.
here's one from yesterday: "i know that laughter and sunshine can restore my soul." ~veronica hay
for those of us who deal with ED, this is so.very.true. scary true, to be exact.
i've spoken briefly about how isolating this disorder is--all consuming, really. when we "get inside our heads," it's hard to get out, much less laugh. and oh, how laughter can be a great medicine.
ED tells you that you don't deserve to be happy, to smile, to laugh. laughing until you cry isn't even comprehendable. the same goes with "sunshine." you don't want to be seen. period. if the sun is out and it's warm, more of you, literally, is exposed. blech.
these days, i am loving me some laughter and sunshine. if they are together, even better!
i am fortunate enough to work with some ladies that make me laugh at least 5.7 times a day, minimum. from donna thinking her chapstick is a gluestick, to leslie reading her evaluation comments, to lisa's random thinking out loud, my life is definitely NOT lacking in laughter. many days, i laugh until i cry, or almost spit out my drink (as i nearly did yesterday. thank you, donna!).
i'm extremely blessed to have a husband who loves to see me smile, hear me laugh, and spend time in the sun. some of our happiest times are spent "sunning" at the lake while either reading, floating in the water, and/or laughing at the dogs/neighbors/some other random thing. in fact, our entire honeymoon was spent in the sun. and GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY how excited we are to return there in two weeks!
it's no coinicidence that this quote spoke to me: the night of my wedding reception, my dad and i dance, laughed and sang along to the beatles:
"here comes the sun.
here comes the sun. and i say, it's all right.
little darlin', it's been a long, cold, lonely winter. little darlin', it feels like years since it's been here.
here comes the sun.
here comes the sun. and i say, it's all right.
little darlin', the smile's returning to the faces. little darlin', it seems like years since it's been here.
here comes the sun.
here comes the sun. and i say, it's all right."
for a family that barely survived in the shadows of life, it is oh.so.very.wonderful to be in the sun again.
and i wouldn't be here now if not for my wonderful husband of nearly (as of saturday) one year.
that night, we all danced the night away (yes, even our parents, who both celebrate 35 years of marriage in 2011!), and ended with this:
"when you can't find the light that guides you through a cloudy day;
when the stars ain't shinin' bright and it feels like you've lost your way;
when those candle lights of home burn so very far away,
well, you got to let your soul shine
just like my daddy used to say.
he used to say the soulshine
it's better than sunshine;
it's better than moonshine;
damn sure better than rain.
hey, now people don't mind;
we all get this way sometimes;
you got to let your soul shine;
shine 'til the break of day."
my sweet david, i love you. thanks for the love, the laughter, and the soulshine. i absolutely cannot wait to see what the next fifty years will bring.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
l-i-n-k-s
link: noun
when i think about my own "links," the chain of events that brings me to my present, i cannot help but shake my head in amazement.
what a wonderful place to be now.
was it easy, pain-free, or stress-free to get here? nope. would i trade it for the easy road, even not knowing what that is or could be? not a chance.
here's what i know: life is what you make of it. it's not always easy. it's not always fun. you don't always understand why it happens the way it does. but, having experienced all of the "links" in my past, i am where i am today.
and for that, i cannot help but be grateful, feel blessed, and smile.
1. one of the rings or separate pieces of which a chain is composed. 2. anything serving to connect one part or thing with another; a bond or tie.
we are all bound to someone, in some way or another, at some time, to another person.
we are linked.
what you choose to do with that link can effect the course of your life. some links are healthy. some links are toxic.
i have been linked to both, as have many of us. i know others who have had negative partnerships, whether it be co-workers, friends, marriage, or (the worst of all in my opinion) family.
how we choose to deal with the toxic links can frame our perspectives; it can shape our personalities and views on life in general.
everyone's story is different. how we choose to interpret the experience can significantly direct the course of our lives.
i've been through a lot in my 30 years. some healthy links, some toxic. some healthy, but at times toxic. at one point, it would have been very easy to stop caring, to stop living, to give up on life, and true happiness.
what a wonderful place to be now.
was it easy, pain-free, or stress-free to get here? nope. would i trade it for the easy road, even not knowing what that is or could be? not a chance.
here's what i know: life is what you make of it. it's not always easy. it's not always fun. you don't always understand why it happens the way it does. but, having experienced all of the "links" in my past, i am where i am today.
and for that, i cannot help but be grateful, feel blessed, and smile.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
girlfriends, yet another form of therapy
dealing with ED sucks. big time. it makes you think you aren't worth other people's time, effort, or friendship. at my lowest point, i really didn't have any friends. i was too ashamed of the way i looked and too anxious about the situations in which i would find myself.
i even lost touch with some of the best friends i have (insert shout out to my zta ladies, and a BIG one to my roommate!), and probably will ever have.
thus, those who fight the daily battle of ED often experience social isolation. ED tells us we don't need any one else. in particular, friends (read: others who truly care about your health, happiness, and general well-being).
LIES. LIES. LIES! (he is SUCH a liar!)
i attended a great baby shower tonight for a sweet lady, hosted and attended by the wives of my husband's friends, whom i have genuinely grown to love and enjoy, and now consider to be my friends too.
tonight, i was reminded again of how lonely ED can be.
it's so wonderful to have the tools to fight him. before 2008, i would have stayed home. and would have missed out on some F-U-N!!
on another note, i discovered that my experience might help a new friend and colleague, and i look forward to the positive opportunities that may await. (you know who you are--and i love you for your honesty, effort, and support!!)
as for "creating" tonight, i stopped at hobby lobby on the way to the shower to pick up a hot glue gun (had thrown out my old one a year ago) so i could finish my latest project.
here was my inspiration (thanks, anthropologie).
and here is mine!
cute, huh? not bad for a bit of fabric, scrapbook paper, and ribbon!
to my newest friends, thanks for the good times tonight--here's to many more (which should definitely include the dude who provided the musical entertainment--only on a lower decibel because we are old and find it annoying...)--love you all!
until next time....surround yourself with those that make you smile. and love yourself.
LIVE life. LOVE yourself. CREATE recovery.
me
i even lost touch with some of the best friends i have (insert shout out to my zta ladies, and a BIG one to my roommate!), and probably will ever have.
thus, those who fight the daily battle of ED often experience social isolation. ED tells us we don't need any one else. in particular, friends (read: others who truly care about your health, happiness, and general well-being).
LIES. LIES. LIES! (he is SUCH a liar!)
i attended a great baby shower tonight for a sweet lady, hosted and attended by the wives of my husband's friends, whom i have genuinely grown to love and enjoy, and now consider to be my friends too.
tonight, i was reminded again of how lonely ED can be.
it's so wonderful to have the tools to fight him. before 2008, i would have stayed home. and would have missed out on some F-U-N!!
on another note, i discovered that my experience might help a new friend and colleague, and i look forward to the positive opportunities that may await. (you know who you are--and i love you for your honesty, effort, and support!!)
as for "creating" tonight, i stopped at hobby lobby on the way to the shower to pick up a hot glue gun (had thrown out my old one a year ago) so i could finish my latest project.
here was my inspiration (thanks, anthropologie).
and here is mine!
cute, huh? not bad for a bit of fabric, scrapbook paper, and ribbon!
to my newest friends, thanks for the good times tonight--here's to many more (which should definitely include the dude who provided the musical entertainment--only on a lower decibel because we are old and find it annoying...)--love you all!
until next time....surround yourself with those that make you smile. and love yourself.
LIVE life. LOVE yourself. CREATE recovery.
me
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