isn't it ironic?

my fragile ego suffered a blow today. many thanks to all who listened to my woes.

back in late summer, i responded to a "reality checker" email from all you on a whim. they were looking for people who had experienced a life changing event or crisis at christmas time, and had since changed their views on the holiday.

instantly, i thought: hmm, my now ex-husband announced he didn't care about being married to me anymore. four days later i checked into a rehabilitation clinic only five days before christmas. i think this should count.

so, i sent a short synopsis of my experience and was chosen to be part of a featured story.

i spent several hours responding to email questions (read: could only handle the personal disclosure in small intervals) and phone interviews from the article's writer. though, in the end, the process was good for me, it was very painful to reveal the intimate details to someone you don't even know (read: it's not easy to admit that you were so thin that it hurt to stand barefooted on hard floor. yet you fought to stay married to someone who vowed to love you but didn't make a judgement call and make you get the help you desperately needed). david and i even had to go out of our way to submit a picture to accompany the story (he had been working A LOT at this time. we didn't have a christmas picture to submit from last year because he actually worked last christmas day. we barely even had time to "celebrate" the holiday).

nevertheless, i was so excited about the possibility of inspiring other women to seek help.

and then i get a text from my sister yesterday. she subscribes to all you.

my story was not in the issue.

insert low self esteem. (and this is SO ironic considering that my therapist had just hit me with exercises from this book less than 24 hours beforehand). instantly, i thought "apparently, you aren't good enough to even include in a magazine. you don't inspire anyone. shame on you for thinking otherwise. stupid."

so, i lamented. i fumed. i hosted a GREAT pity party.

and then i stood up for myself. i contacted the editor. i expressed my anger in not being informed of the decision. before my ED, i would NEVER have even considered this. (mad props to LN for congratulating me on  doing this--love you sister friend!)

low and behold--i got a reply.

it turns out that the article WILL be included online. at the time, i was not very happy to even hear this. however, after many of my loved ones stated that they completely believe that this will lead to even more exposure for eating disorders and recovery, i am now happy. very happy.

upon reflecting on today's emotional roller coaster, it was a good exercise on regaining confidence in myself.

all you, in particular, gillian aldrich, thank you for stepping up. sincerely. i look forward to seeing the online version soon. (and yes, you better believe that there will be a link to it from this page!)