craftiness. insanity. life.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

yes, the sentimental new year's eve post

2013: my, what a year you have been.

there have been smiles, and laughter, and tears, and "why, God, WHYs?," and no's, and YES'S, and "are you KIDDING ME?s" and so much more i can't even begin to verbalize them.

there have been good choices i've made. and bad ones. here, on this last day of the year, i could choose to hone in on those negative things, but tonight? oh tonight...i am choosing to see the good.

my son in thriving. he is ALL OVER THE PLACE ALL THE TIME, when this ability was questioned in mid February. yes, i was told he needed to stop nursing and i should only pump and formula feed the rest. Recommendation denied. Today, yes, today, at 14 1/2 months, my son eats plenty of solid foods and still wants to nurse at my breast 3-5 times a day. proof to go with a mother's instinct. and yes, i know this exasperates some of you, nauseates some of you, but, you know what? I. Don't. Care.

and that alone says a lot.

for so many years i wanted to "go with the flow;" to not "rock the boat."

oops. not any more.

2014: please be the year that i completely get out of my comfort zone.

my Jesus was not afraid to speak the truth. i want to be the same.

i HATE new year's resolutions. i am such a perfectionist that simply setting goals creates anxiety that i will not be able to attain them. that i will spend too much time wallowing in my failure. (ugh, i know. welcome to my world.)

instead, this year, i am committing to trying harder. and better. and with more effort. or whatever this encompasses.

i do not want 2014 to look like 2013. i want more. jesus wants more. my husband wants more. my son wants more. I WANT MORE.

yes, I. I WANT MORE. this is the first time in over a decade that I have said this. I. WANT. MORE.

I. NEED. MORE. (and, for the first time in many, many years, i believe it. FULLY believe it.)

my world is wonderful. so amazing. yet, i know there is room for so much more. oooohhhh, so much more. so much hope for the weary that i can't even imagine it. and that is where i am; that is where my GOD is meeting me. to be my HEALER, my PROVIDER. just those thoughts alone is mind boggling, but, oh, how excited I am!

dear LORD, grant me peace, and grace, and mercy, and unconditional LOVE in 2014--for without it, i. am. nothing. absolutely NOTHING.

Friday, October 4, 2013

nine days til one year

one year old. one YEAR old.

no more only referring to wells as ___ months old. one year. one YEAR. really? already?

it seems like only a short time ago i was freaking out about the reality of going into labor. (dear pregnant kimberly: labor is nothing compared to the first six months with a reflux baby. love, mommy kimberly)

today, i held my baby's hand on the same railroad tracks where his daddy and i held each other and smiled for mari's camera on our wedding day. today, he laughed and babbled and crawled and stood there before us--when only a year ago he barely opened his eyes to squint at us.

ONE YEAR. i cannot believe it.

it's all happened so fast, this year of ours, our family of three. and yet, it feels like it's always been this way. neither of us can imagine life without our precious baby boy.

today, he took nine well balanced steps at home (possibly due to the sugar high from the colossal cookies and cream cupcake he tore into).  today, my soon-to-be "big boy" still nursed to snuggle and comfort himself when he was overwhelmed.

how do i feel? hard to say. i loved his photo session. seeing him so healthy and happy--it's every mommy's dream. but now, after he's gone to sleep, reality has started to set in.

it's bittersweet. and exciting. and scary. and a bit sad. all at the same time. does that make sense?

i wonder. i wonder who he will be in the next ten years: will he be an introverted planner like me, needing time alone to recharge? will he be spontaneous like david, always ready to do something at a moment's notice?

as we draw near to the end of this first year, i can't help but thank my God. for my family, my son, my husband, my life--a life i once thought didn't have much to offer. . . to anyone, much less myself.

i am blessed. and blessed and blessed and blessed. and happy, oh-so-very-happy!

i adore my son, his innocence, his purity, his devotion to us. . .

at this age, he is the essence of Matthew 19:14:

"But Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.” 

Tuesday, September 17, 2013


sweet sunshine. beautiful day. happy little family.

that was us thursday of last week at the state park in destin, fl. i had almost forgotten how gorgeous and peaceful the gulf coast can be (skip the condo. get a room in a hotel and drive to henderson state park--clean, serene, and (in september) not the least bit crowded).

it was so nice to get away with my two loves, to just be our little family on vacation.

as david read and i nursed wells, i couldn't help but think about how great life can be. i had to stop and pray--thank my LORD for all that he has done and will do.

really--the same LORD who created us also designed a speck of flawless white sand for this beach? designed this sea with its vast greatness and numerous lifeforms? just knowing that the waves can change from day to day (much less hour to hour, minute to minute, second to second) must speak to something greater than us, right?

sitting there, cuddling my baby boy, watching my devoted husband, i found myself overwhelmed by the goodness and greatness of my GOD.

psalm 107:1, 29-30

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
    His faithful love endures forever.

29 He calmed the storm to a whisper
    and stilled the waves.
What a blessing was that stillness
    as he brought them safely into harbor!
what a perfect picture of His power: to speak and calm the sea. i will never do anything on my own. help me to stop trying.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

being still. . .

hi. it's me. yeah, it's been a while...

life got busy. no, make that, baby got BUSY! super busy. he's all over the place. all the time. and still hates to nap.

and i love him so much it hurts.

the few times he has slept through the night, i don't. i wake up, grab the monitor. has he moved since i last looked? i'm so terrified of seeing him in the same position. i can't enjoy this "sleeping through the night."not now. not yet.

the truth? i prefer hearing him whining around 3 am.

this i know. this is my new normal.

i go into the nursery, pick up my sleepy boy...settle into the oh so comfortable, overpriced but worth EVERY penny glider--thank you gigi and pawpaw.

sweet baby nurses. all is right in the world.

i think about how hard this was six months ago, what a chore it seemed like then. it's so easy now. i think about him weaning himself in the future. i sob, yes, uncontrollable crying in the rare moments i'm alone in my house. i do not want this to end. i know it will, that it should. but still. . .

this is the only snuggling i get. will he completely want to stop being held after he's weaned?

can i handle that?

most days, i think not.

this mom thing? it's way harder that it seems.

the abstract concept of being a parent, of completely trying to devote yourself to another life? so much easier than the reality: it's exhausting and difficult and hard. and so sweet. so very sweet i can barely go a day without pressing my boy close to me and fighting back the tears. . .

i want him to grow, to be strong and smart and big. but, at the same time, i don't want any of this. i want him to stay around 16 pounds and under 30 inches, not walking, BIG smile every time he sees me.

i started working, just barley part time, three weeks ago. now i know why david looks so elated every day when he walks in the door after 5 pm: there's nothing quite like wells's "I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" face.

seriously. it makes my day. every time. (and yes, on the days i don't go into work, i :might: walk out of the room just to see this expression when i return . . .)

this mom thing? it's oh, so sweeter than i ever thought it could be. ever imagined it would be. . .

i'm seeking the heart of my Father these days, trying to understand His love, why He loves me when i am so unworthy. and now, now that i am a parent myself? it makes crazy sense: more than it ever did before. . .

i am more than blessed to be a member of a church with a seeking heart, one that wants His people to know Him more.

psalm 46:10 was our first memory verse in my Bible study last week:
“Be still, and know that I am God!
    I will be honored by every nation.
    I will be honored throughout the world.”

yes, as Christians, many of us "know" this verse. we "know" what it says. . .

(okay, in case you didn't know this already) i am a HUGE grammar queen. seriously--correct, complex punctuation elates me (no, really: give me a sentence to diagram...).

so, i was pondering this verse alone in the shower (yes, alone being the operative phrase, as wells is usually playing around with me these days--it's just easier this way) and i found myself crying.

Crying over the mere punctuation in this translation: He isn't worried about the future. He knows how it's all going to end. He doesn't have any fears about it. He just wants me, now, as i am, flaws and all. "BE STILL!" is where His excitement lies.


just wow.

humbled now? yeah, me too.

it makes sense, how this boy of mine lights up when he sees me; how he only wants me at times; how only i can calm him. . .

this is the heart of my Lord--in the flesh--oh mary, how did you ever do this?

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

warning: rant.

anyone else sick of the lack of common courtesy these days, or is it just me?

as a professional, it would not even occur to me to just "show up" and expect someone to be ready, willing and excited to see you at her door. no, my mother raised me better than that.

is it really too much to ask for service professionals WHO HAVE YOUR CONTACT INFORMATION to actually use it?

yes, i am now a SAHM. no, this does not mean that i sit around all day as time slowly ticks by as i prop my feet up eating bon bons and watching daytime television. (seriously, daytime television is crap.)

i have a high needs 4.5 month old infant with severe reflux. what does this mean? it means most of my day is spent doing the following:
  • changing diapers
  • cleaning up spit up
  • fixing a formula bottle to supplement feedings
  • cleaning up spit up
  • breast feeding
  • cleaning up spit up
  • playing with my baby
  • cleaning up spit up
  • trying to calm baby down to sleep
  • cleaning up spit up
  • trying to convince baby that it is okay if i am not holding him
  • cleaning up spit up
  • toting baby around and attempting one handed tasks
  • cleaning up spit up
  • washing bottles 
  • cleaning up spit up
wash. rinse. repeat every three hours.

at some point, the child does fall asleep from pure exhaustion. this is when i take care of my house instead of my child with chores such as mopping up spit up residue.

when you choose THAT MOMENT to ring my doorbell and expect to track in dirt and grout dust, do not be surprised if i eventually go hood rat/trailor trash on you.

that is all.


Monday, February 4, 2013

thanks, but no thanks

to all the strangers who have given unsolicited mommy advice and/or comments: this is for you.

old lady in target: "what a sweet baby! how old?"
me: "he's 14 weeks."
old lady in target: "what are you doing out here with him?????"
me: "he likes the new scenery."
me, in my head: "i don't remember asking your opinion."
old lady in Kroger parking lot: "what a sweetie! oh, you have him out he warm enough???? it's chilly out here!"
me: "he's just fine...has on long pjs and is wrapped up against me." (moby wrap)
me, in my head: "i don't remember asking your opinion."
old lady in CVS: "OH! What a pretty baby! Is it a boy or a girl?"
me: "boy."
old lady in CVS: "Well, he's just so pretty to be a boy!"
me:  :crickets: ::smile::
Me, in my head: "i don't remember asking your opinion."
cashier at Earth Fare: "Ah! He's so tiny and cute! How old is he?"
me: "16 weeks."
cashier at Earth Fare: "Oh! I have one the same age at home." she looks me over. "he's not sleeping, is he?"
me: "no, not much. he fights it."
cashier at Earth Fare: "Not even at night?"
me: "no, not so much just yet."
cashier at Earth Fare: "Oh, well, mine sleeps like 12 hours through the night...shouldn't he?"
me: :shoulder shrug:
me, in my head: "i don't remember asking your opinion. also, i hate you."

Tuesday, January 22, 2013


wells is 14 weeks old. three months, two weeks. and we can't imagine life without him. funny how a tiny being that weighs less than ten pounds can rock your entire world, huh?

he's so alert, this child of mine. it frustrates me to no end, but shouldn't surprise me. i can't turn it off myself. why do I expect him to be able to do it so easily? :sigh.:

"i love you, little man." daddy hovers over you. not caring about the stress you produce. longing to simply hear an "oh" out of you....

and it's so easy, this parent-child relationship. wells can spit up, poop, pee, scream at us...but, it doesn't matter: we love him because he is a part of us. and isn't that how God sees us? why is it so hard for me to accept?

i don't have the answer. not yet; maybe not ever.

what i do know is this: at these times, my strong boy seems completely inconsolable. rigid.  irate.  stiff.  unyielding. but after just a few "drinks" from me he is calm.  peaceful.

THIS is what i want. crave. need to accept: oh, that i may soon drink of peace...and live in calm.

Zephaniah 3:17

"For the Lord your God is living among you.
    He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.    With his love, he will calm all your fears.[a]    He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

i hate naming posts

it's january. 2013.


i feel like Wells just arrived yesterday, but it's almost been three months now.

must be the severe lack of quality sleep. and the fact that i think i have exactly 5 brain cells left, which take turns "working" as best they can each day. ::sigh::

this mommy gig? yeah, the hardest thing i've ever done, by far.  it never ceases to amaze me that it can be simultaneously rewarding and terribly trying at the same time.

there are days when i want to run. away. far, far away (no pun intended). spend an entire 24 hours to myself? bliss. but, not an option at this point.

i know i will look back at this point in a few years and smile. knowing that it was all worth it. (for those of you who don't know, i'm a strong supporter of breastfeeding exclusively for the first six months, if possible). (please note: i am well aware that every mother is entitled to her own opinion, as influenced by her and her family's needs and beliefs. this is not a post to persuade/impose my own theories on anyone. spare me this in the comments, please.)

but there are days that i have to constantly remind myself that it will get better. one day. soon, hopefully...

until then, i must try to focus on the positive aspects of motherhood; the small moments that can so easily get overlooked in the day-to-day constant struggles. as it is, i am an extremely visual person (yes, i am the one who hates to see the movie after i read the book mainly because it doesn't look like i pictured as i enjoyed reading it...--not to mention the stupid plot changes, but that's a completely different rant...). so, a few days ago, i decided to create something to help me with this task:


became this

yes, my goal is to record something, no matter how small it may be, that makes me smile every day (or, every day i actually remember to write it down...missed two thus far...sigh...) ...particularly those related to great challenges (hence, many blessings will refer to my precious baby boy). my daily devotion from proverbs 31 ministries today was this (i am constantly in awe of how the Lord can draw me in when i allow Him to do so):

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

on the hard days, it will serve as a reminder that every day has positive aspects: blessings to be forever thankful for and appreciated.

i've also been seeking one word to pray, search and meditate on this year. i have a strong feeling as to what it shall be, but will save it for a (sooner, rather than) later post. :)

here's to a joyful 2013: may your blessings be too many to count and contain!