yes, the sentimental new year's eve post

2013: my, what a year you have been.

there have been smiles, and laughter, and tears, and "why, God, WHYs?," and no's, and YES'S, and "are you KIDDING ME?s" and so much more i can't even begin to verbalize them.

there have been good choices i've made. and bad ones. here, on this last day of the year, i could choose to hone in on those negative things, but tonight? oh tonight...i am choosing to see the good.

my son in thriving. he is ALL OVER THE PLACE ALL THE TIME, when this ability was questioned in mid February. yes, i was told he needed to stop nursing and i should only pump and formula feed the rest. Recommendation denied. Today, yes, today, at 14 1/2 months, my son eats plenty of solid foods and still wants to nurse at my breast 3-5 times a day. proof to go with a mother's instinct. and yes, i know this exasperates some of you, nauseates some of you, but, you know what? I. Don't. Care.

and that alone says a lot.

for so many years i wanted to "go with the flow;" to not "rock the boat."

oops. not any more.

2014: please be the year that i completely get out of my comfort zone.

my Jesus was not afraid to speak the truth. i want to be the same.

i HATE new year's resolutions. i am such a perfectionist that simply setting goals creates anxiety that i will not be able to attain them. that i will spend too much time wallowing in my failure. (ugh, i know. welcome to my world.)

instead, this year, i am committing to trying harder. and better. and with more effort. or whatever this encompasses.

i do not want 2014 to look like 2013. i want more. jesus wants more. my husband wants more. my son wants more. I WANT MORE.

yes, I. I WANT MORE. this is the first time in over a decade that I have said this. I. WANT. MORE.

I. NEED. MORE. (and, for the first time in many, many years, i believe it. FULLY believe it.)

my world is wonderful. so amazing. yet, i know there is room for so much more. oooohhhh, so much more. so much hope for the weary that i can't even imagine it. and that is where i am; that is where my GOD is meeting me. to be my HEALER, my PROVIDER. just those thoughts alone is mind boggling, but, oh, how excited I am!

dear LORD, grant me peace, and grace, and mercy, and unconditional LOVE in 2014--for without it, i. am. nothing. absolutely NOTHING.