thanks, but no thanks

to all the strangers who have given unsolicited mommy advice and/or comments: this is for you.

old lady in target: "what a sweet baby! how old?"
me: "he's 14 weeks."
old lady in target: "what are you doing out here with him?????"
me: "he likes the new scenery."
me, in my head: "i don't remember asking your opinion."
-------------------------
old lady in Kroger parking lot: "what a sweetie! oh, you have him out here...is he warm enough???? it's chilly out here!"
me: "he's just fine...has on long pjs and is wrapped up against me." (moby wrap)
me, in my head: "i don't remember asking your opinion."
-------------------------
old lady in CVS: "OH! What a pretty baby! Is it a boy or a girl?"
me: "boy."
old lady in CVS: "Well, he's just so pretty to be a boy!"
me:  :crickets: ::smile::
Me, in my head: "i don't remember asking your opinion."
--------------------------
cashier at Earth Fare: "Ah! He's so tiny and cute! How old is he?"
me: "16 weeks."
cashier at Earth Fare: "Oh! I have one the same age at home." she looks me over. "he's not sleeping, is he?"
me: "no, not much. he fights it."
cashier at Earth Fare: "Not even at night?"
me: "no, not so much just yet."
cashier at Earth Fare: "Oh, well, mine sleeps like 12 hours through the night...shouldn't he?"
me: :shoulder shrug:
me, in my head: "i don't remember asking your opinion. also, i hate you."

screaming.

wells is 14 weeks old. three months, two weeks. and we can't imagine life without him. funny how a tiny being that weighs less than ten pounds can rock your entire world, huh?

he's so alert, this child of mine. it frustrates me to no end, but shouldn't surprise me. i can't turn it off myself. why do I expect him to be able to do it so easily? :sigh.:

"i love you, little man." daddy hovers over you. not caring about the stress you produce. longing to simply hear an "oh" out of you....

and it's so easy, this parent-child relationship. wells can spit up, poop, pee, scream at us...but, it doesn't matter: we love him because he is a part of us. and isn't that how God sees us? why is it so hard for me to accept?

i don't have the answer. not yet; maybe not ever.

what i do know is this: at these times, my strong boy seems completely inconsolable. rigid.  irate.  stiff.  unyielding. but after just a few "drinks" from me he is calm.  peaceful.

THIS is what i want. crave. need to accept: oh, that i may soon drink of peace...and live in calm.

Zephaniah 3:17

"For the Lord your God is living among you.
    He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.    With his love, he will calm all your fears.^[a]    He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”

i hate naming posts

it's january. 2013.

wow.

i feel like Wells just arrived yesterday, but it's almost been three months now.

must be the severe lack of quality sleep. and the fact that i think i have exactly 5 brain cells left, which take turns "working" as best they can each day. ::sigh::

this mommy gig? yeah, the hardest thing i've ever done, by far.  it never ceases to amaze me that it can be simultaneously rewarding and terribly trying at the same time.

there are days when i want to run. away. far, far away (no pun intended). spend an entire 24 hours to myself? bliss. but, not an option at this point.

i know i will look back at this point in a few years and smile. knowing that it was all worth it. (for those of you who don't know, i'm a strong supporter of breastfeeding exclusively for the first six months, if possible). (please note: i am well aware that every mother is entitled to her own opinion, as influenced by her and her family's needs and beliefs. this is not a post to persuade/impose my own theories on anyone. spare me this in the comments, please.)

but there are days that i have to constantly remind myself that it will get better. one day. soon, hopefully...

until then, i must try to focus on the positive aspects of motherhood; the small moments that can so easily get overlooked in the day-to-day constant struggles. as it is, i am an extremely visual person (yes, i am the one who hates to see the movie after i read the book mainly because it doesn't look like i pictured as i enjoyed reading it...--not to mention the stupid plot changes, but that's a completely different rant...). so, a few days ago, i decided to create something to help me with this task:

this

became this

yes, my goal is to record something, no matter how small it may be, that makes me smile every day (or, every day i actually remember to write it down...missed two thus far...sigh...) ...particularly those related to great challenges (hence, many blessings will refer to my precious baby boy). my daily devotion from proverbs 31 ministries today was this (i am constantly in awe of how the Lord can draw me in when i allow Him to do so):

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

on the hard days, it will serve as a reminder that every day has positive aspects: blessings to be forever thankful for and appreciated.

i've also been seeking one word to pray, search and meditate on this year. i have a strong feeling as to what it shall be, but will save it for a (sooner, rather than) later post. :)

here's to a joyful 2013: may your blessings be too many to count and contain!

change

where did august and september go? so much has changed in the past two months. . .

we now live in opelika. david has a new job. i'm doing contract work from home.

we are 35 weeks pregnant. yes, in five weeks, give or take, wells will be here.

big changes. important changes. life changes. for someone who doesn't exactly like change in general, it's definitely been very good for me. for us.

david is happy. he loves his job. he enjoys being back "home" again.

i'm glad to no longer be in birmingham. though i do miss work and friends, life is just so much simpler here. not as fast paced. quieter. sweeter.

lots of changes. we're back in a church home. i've joined a bible study group that is doing wonders already. david has joined a men's group. he's taken up crossfit. we've furnished a nursery.

a nursery. our nursery. it still seems so unreal that wells is almost here. back in february, this time felt like it was ages away. not so much anymore. . .

changes. good changes. positive changes. lots of changes.

change can still be scary.

transitioning from a "woman who's expecting" to an actual "mother" is going to be the biggest change yet. never again will life be the same. it excites me. it terrifies me. it reminds me that i cannot do it alone. that i will not be perfect. at all. not even close.

and that's okay.

my first week of bible study, our memory verse was Hebrews 13:8

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever."

what a powerful truth: despite my circumstances, He does not change. oh, how comforting it is to read those words, to meditate on that thought.

my verse this week has been just as helpful--Galatians 3:3

"How can you be so foolish? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort?"

finishing my projects for the nursery these past two weeks has really brought this into perspective again. i can't do anything on my own. i shouldn't do it on my own. i shouldn't shame myself for imperfection. i am not perfect.

time to officially change my mentality: i am an imperfect woman loved by a perfect God.

::wipes brow:: what a relief, huh?

all i can do is my best effort. and that is okay. that is the standard. not perfection.

and with that, it's time to reveal wells's nursery photos, complete with imperfect projects that i love. knowing that wells will be in here soon makes me love it even more.

simply diy project: add patterned paper to the back of a standard bookshelf.

 many thanks to my "roommate" for her decor styling!

 yeah, he has a few books. . . 

 diy project: hubby sanded this dresser (thanks, linda and wally) and painted it.

 comfy chair (thanks, mom and dad)--i foresee a lot of time being spent here

 diy projects: thrift store side table with a coat of paint added to brighten it up

mod podged bottle with baby theme art--adding lights soon

 diy project: felt owl mobile inspired by one i found on etsy. after making it, i now understand why she charges $100 for it. 

 my dad made the changing pad holder :)

(we have yet to hang anything on the walls--i tend to be indecisive when it comes to these things)

so there you have it: the beginning of the next major change.

change is good.

dear me...

i saw this blog post by Today's Parent on twitter friday morning. it got me thinking about my 12-year-old self. wow, the differences between how i remember feeling and what i remember upon deeper reflection. let me explain:

my 12-year-old perspective of myself at 12 years old

• my thighs are so much bigger than everyone else in dance class.
• i have to be a "base" in cheerleading because i'm too fat to be a "flyer."
• if only i could buy my clothes at "xyz" store, maybe i'd be more popular.
• the girls on my cheerleading squad don't like me because i don't go to their school.
• mom says boys like me, but are intimidated by my being smart.
• i hate being labeled "smart"
• i have to make straight As. no exceptions.
• i need to be perfect.

yikes. it still saddens me to reflect.

what i wish this 12-year-old girl only knew

• you will fail in life. and you will survive.
• you are not defined by your body shape or size.
• popularity has nothing to do with material possessions or location. if it does, you don't want to associate with those people anyway.
• your gpa will only get you so far. your future employers have no interest in it.
• being "labeled smart" isn't a bad thing. it gives you respect in many cases.
• perfection is unattainable.

(yeah, that last one is still a daily reminder, even at 31.)

• oh, one more thing: in about two years you will meet the love of your life. definitely something to get excited about.

the good part of all this? it's the past. it is does not have to be the future. every day is a new opportunity to live, love and hope.

for many reasons, i'm glad my first child is a boy. i pray that wells will be spared the plagues of body image issues and mental illness.

accepting my changing body has been a challenge. some days more than others. i rely on information about health and this process to keep me focused. (and the fact that my husband can't take his eyes off me and always wants to touch me--while at times a nuisance--doesn't hurt.)

it helps to focus on the truth, what i know to be absolute:

"Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD; the fruit of the womb is a reward." Psalm 127:3

little things

it takes very little for me to get slightly wound up, in general.

case in point-- conversation between hubby and me driving down highway 280:

me: "so, honestly, driving in the center lane and seeing cars drive past you on both sides doesn't bother you at all? doesn't make you want to immediately change lanes?"

hubby: "no. i mean, i see them, but i'm fine right here."

me: "wow. that must be nice."

it's so easy to forget the little things. the small parts of every day that make me smile. being a pessimist at heart, i have to work to focus on the positive, especially when things get rough.

but, i think pregnancy is helping to change my perspective. my focus has most definitely shifted to be more in tune with daily events instead of generally worrying about what may or may not happen in the future. it used to be a lot easier to look over the details of every day. i now find myself noticing the details in everyday life that i used to take for granted, or, at the very least, ignore.

like david's laughter.

my husband has the most intoxicating laugh. seriously. one of the earliest indications that i knew i would fall in love with him? he laughed, OUT LOUD, during an episode of the golden girls (that i made him watch with me).

not too long ago, we were talking about something and i noticed david's laugh again. i found myself thinking, "i certainly hope wells has his father's sense of humor. i wonder if his laugh will sound the same." i'm sure you can only imagine the huge smile that came to my face.

i'm trying to take it day by day. hour by hour. some days, minute by minute. i'm learning to focus on the small things.

like baby flutters. the first kick. the first set of hiccups. the expression on david's face the first time he felt wells move inside of me.

yes, on the tough days, these are the little things that make everything okay.

what now?

if you have gathered anything about me (considering the possibility that you are reading this and you DON'T know me very well), it is that i tend to be introspective. perhaps this is a trait of avid readers...


at any rate, i am a dork who loves an inspirational talk/speech/address. (yes, i am the one person who looks forward to keynote speakers and conferences.) yes, i openly own it. with a big smile.


like any bookworm, i have my favorite authors. one i recently discovered (and quickly grew to love), is ann patchett (absolutely brilliant. period.). combine my love of books with my adoration for inspirational speeches and speakers...i recently stumbled upon her "lauded commencement address at Sarah Lawrence College" (her alma matar). needless to say, i love it.


what now is a great example of reflection, of thinking about your circumstances and how they relate to your purpose, if not in life, for God's unique timing.


" 'What now is not just a panic-stricken question tossed out into a dark unknown. What now can also be our joy. It is a declaration of possibility, of promise, of chance. It acknowledges that our future is open, that we may well do more than anyone expected of us, that at every point in our development we are still striving to grow. There's a time in our lives when we all crave the answers. It seems terrifying not to know what's coming next. But there is another time, a better time, when we see our lives as a series of choices, and What now represents our excitement and our future, the very vitality of life. It's up to you to choose a life that will keep expanding.' "


i read her speech last week, and took a picture of this page (yep, with my Iphone-yay technology) so i could remember it (page 77, if you want to be specific--and i feel that i must be). little did i know that her words would have a larger impression on me the next week.


my coworkers and i spent today in a professional development session to address our communication skills (at some point every month, we all deliver "trainings" or "presentations" to large audiences). after our short lunch break, all ten of us were informed that we had to give an expository speech for 2 minutes.  the rest of us were to provide critiques and feedback on each one (read: you must critique your peers and two supervisors. panic? yep.).


as we each took a turn over the next hour and a half (with great courage, might i add--it is so much easier to speak in front of people with whom you do not work with every day), i was reminded of the variety of communication and presentation styles of my colleagues. i reflected upon the unique passions for our nonprofit work. whether it stems from a deeply personal experience, as my sweet Leslie feels, or a strong passion to simply help other child care providers succeed, as Beverly exudes, we all "do what we do" because we feel drawn to this field.


"'What Now'" is just a glimpse into the impact we can make in the world. we can choose to rejoice in the opportunities that they will bring.


whatever life has handed you now, my hope it that you will find the good it in; that you will inspire the generation to come.


life isn't always how we "expect it," but is always how we "embrace it." if nothing else, my precious life has been nothing but a lesson in this fact: my amazing husband david is a lesson that "everything happens for a reason (even if i don't really understand it until 14 years later...). "


I don't know about you,  but i like to "'have strengths to stand upon.'"


Psalm 91:14 states, "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name."


my blessed assurance is that, in time, He will provide all that We need.

return to paradise, or "wow, i really have started to 'reframe' my thinking'"

we've been home for five days. i'm still a bit sad not to be in paradise, but i had a HUGE realization on friday.

so, i was telling a coworker i had yet to see since my return that our trip was wonderful. absolute bliss. except for getting sick on the last plane ride home (miami and i don't mix, apparently). then, i suddenly remembered what had happened on the way to paradise.

(insert story about how we flew out of miami. got about 30 very turbulent minutes in the air when the flight attendants booked it down the aisle just as the captain announced that we had "engine problems" but we "shouldn't be alarmed" (key: panic! anxiety! where are my coping skills???). eventually, we turned around. deplaned. re-boarded. ended up in mexico later than expected.)

anyway. point being--the old me would have lead with this story. made a BIG deal out of it.

yes, at the time, i was pissed. i was so freaking excited about our trip that it really upset me.

however, now, looking back, i see how i look at it now as a very positive episode. i overcame a negative thought. actually nearly eliminated it from the experience--it is the last thing i think of when i describe the trip.

it was not my "lead off hitter," so to speak.

just a little bump on the way to paradise...for anyone with ED, you know how hard it is to see the good sometimes (well, most of the time on some days).

and wonderful it was! perfect weather. funny commentary to adult entertainment. lots of time spent as close together as possible. wonderful food. lots of laughter. i'll spare you the intimate details, but let's just say it was splendid. period.

i cried the entire way to the airport on tuesday. no joke. david was worried. i told him it was a sign that it was a wonderful trip. we had a much needed time together. i savored every single second of it. my husband freakin' rocks. no, really. he is simply amazing. there are no other words to describe how he makes me feel. i told him several times how "hot" i felt in my bikini. how pretty i felt at dinner.

and it's not my body. it's my spirit.

david is helping me embrace myself. curves. "larger" clothes.

(by the way, this means NEW clothes, which is NEVER a bad thing [thank god for 50% off days at the thrift store where i score absolutely awesome steals on hardly worn clothes that are even better than the old navy and target finds i've outgrown.] **insert MUCH LOVE to lisa nunn. you are AMAZING. i love you. no, REALLY love you, beautiful lady!**)

it's made me think a lot about seeing things differently. something that is ordinary; ugly; boring; or useless can be made into something else. very easily (although sometimes (read: wine bottle project) time consuming).

so, here are a few pictures of my pinterest inspired creations...

this

became this! plus dollar tree flowers!

lower right two of these $.50 finds at on a shoestring (my new LOVE)

the first one of these from on a shoe string

+ DYI fabric flower = cute cocktails rings!

and another removable ring!

dollar store document frame + scrapbook paper and + wine corks

= DIY dry erase board

and DIY initial artwork! 

as you can see, i'm in a good place. a great place. and super happy.

david: i love you.

reflections

so, tonight ED gave me a few reasons to not go to a support group: 1) your friend won't be there 2) you might have to sit in traffic and be late 3) you're too tired.

i'm glad that the rational brain won.

tonight, i was again reminded of what loving parents i have now, and had growing up. listening to others as they work through their past, i found myself almost ashamed of dealing with ED and not having all of the baggage that some of the other amazing ladies in the group are stuck lugging around.

then i remembered: unnecessary guilt=Ed thoughts. i stopped.

on the way home, i talked with a lady that has inspired me so much, and with who i hope to genuinely become great friends.  i found myself thinking "let it be" (yes, i love the beatles) and just live life. day to day.

overcome with emotions, i felt the need to call my dad, the one who literally carried me to the path to recover. instead of feeling guilty, i allowed myself to be grateful. and i told him (note: this is big. words are hard for many of us dealing with ED).

i am grateful to have had a happy childhood.

i am grateful to have had a supportive family.

i am grateful to have parents who approve of and love my husband. (BIG ONE HERE)

above all, i am grateful to be alive. life is good. very good. amazing, in fact.

and, i am fortunate to say, my family, the one i was born into and the one i now have through marriage, is a large part of that.

until next time,

LIVE life. LOVE yourself. CREATE recovery.
me