unexpected

friday, october 12, 2012

1:30 pm

i am exhausted. and hungry. and sleepy. but the house is clean.

my sister will be here soon. she is spending the night. i have a baby shower tomorrow.

david is home from work. we lie across the bed, remark about how tired we are. and hungry. nothing in our house sounds good. olive garden it is.

my gas light is on. we take separate cars so i can fill up before lindsey gets here. sisters always go out shopping, even if it is just to use up a bit of store credit.

 soup, salad and breadsticks for me. panini and soup for him. the waitress messes up his order. twice. we laugh about it. they must be out of mints-none came with our check. i save the receipt. one day i will win a customer service drawing.

3:15 pm

do do do. do do da do do do. do do do. dodo da dod do do.

not going to get that one. i'll check lindsey's voicemail in a second, seeing as how i'm currently "unavailable."

hmm. that's strange. what is that on the floor in here? the cottage walk bathroom is usually very clean.

small gasp. could it be? no. i'm barely 38 weeks. with my luck i'll certainly be a week overdue.

hmm. slight panic. still not convinced. i'm not in any pain.

i give nancy my check for my sam's membership. casually ask about her water breaking.

she panics. do i need to drive you home? you need to go home. to the hospital.

nah, i'm sure it's a false alarm. i only live a few miles away. i'm fine. besides, this looked more like what you see in the movies. everyone says it really isn't like that at all. i'm fine.

3:35 pm

stupid book. why isn't there a separate section, one that is printed on yellow pages or something that says, your water may have broken if. . .

i hand the book to david. find that part. call lee ob, he says. they closed at noon. the recording says to call labor and delivery.

i don't want to. if i do, it will be real. i'm not ready. i'm terrified.

my sister is here. don't tell her. not yet. stall her.

the call drops a minute into it. i call back. come on in, says the nurse.

lindsey, we aren't going shopping.

4:45 pm

i have convinced not one, but two nurses that i am not a victim of domestic violence. no, those aren't marks from physical acts. i'm the idiot who collected some poison ivy while attempting a pinterest project. 37 weeks pregnant and highly allergic.

so, this is what it's like to be in a labor and delivery room. david is here. lindsey is on the couch. grandparents have been called. the frenzy has begun.

contractions aren't fun, not by any means. why are they coming so intensely? and so quickly? aren't first babies usually long labors?

suddenly it is awful. the worst feeling i have ever had. i'm far enough along to get the epidural. sweet, sweet relief.

the grandparents stop by to check in.

and now the nurses want me to relax. i can barely move so that isn't terribly difficult. sleep will not come. i feel short of breath. the medication is too much.

the cosby show is on. neither david nor i are watching. he piddles on his ipad, looking over at me all the time. i look around. doze off for a few minutes at a time every now and then.

11:15 pm

okay, i'm going to get the table ready.

what? are you kidding me? already? that cannot be right. the doctor estimated anytime between midnight and 6 am. i was betting 6 am.

david kisses me. tells me i'm doing great. i can barely feel anything. am i pushing too much? too little? i stare at the clock, wondering if wells will be born today or tomorrow.

saturday, october 13, 2012

it's after midnight. david is standing in front of me in a gown and gloves.

one last push they tell me. i see his head. so much dark hair. dark like mine.

12:09 am

and now david is guiding our baby into this world. our world. our family of three. david has cut the umbilical cord.

i see him. i don't hear him. shouldn't he be crying? the nurses wipe him off a bit. hand him to me as i frantically pull down my gown. skin. my son's and mine. finally touching.

it's time for the one minute apgar. i know they have to take him away, just over to the side for a few minutes.

time slowly ticks by. hushed voices. doctors and nurses somewhat huddling. david walks over.

my son is purple.

my son is purple, not baby pink. new-to-this-world blush.

the doctor has a bag. a mask is over my son's mouth. my heart stops. no. not now. not after all this.

now the nurse anesthesiologist is here. the pediatrician arrives. they are all hoving over my son. my son.

they say his breathing must be stabilized.

was it me? something i did or didn't do? it must be. i make so many mistakes.

i cannot move. if i could i would be fighting the staff for sure, trying to get to him. he should be with me. i can't get this time back. these first few minutes. bond. i want to bond. i need him. i feel empty.

he is given to us for less than a minute. pictures are snapped. then he is gone.

1:00 am

praying. pleading. crying. david assures me it is not my fault. i still feel to blame. somehow.

i lie in the labor and delivery bed. there is a hole in my heart. no official report, but the nurse says he looks better.

2:00 am

i weep. i am so exhausted. i am empty. david assures me all will be fine. we pray.

now we are in the mother/baby room. i do not have a baby. he has been taken away.  my son.

they say wells will be fine. they ran tests. did an xray. started an iv. my son. poked already. without me to hold him.

we might get to see him soon. it's up in the air as to when.

4:00 am

cece, the nurse, checks on me again. i don't care how i am doing. all i want is my son. 

she leaves to get a report from the nursery.

4:20 am

a bassinet has returned with cece. my son. my son!

he is here. really here. in my arms. on my chest. skin. skin to skin. i melt. i sob. i cover him in kisses. i pray. and then he feeds. oh, sweet feeling. connection between us, physically, at last.

we are together: me and wells. mother and child. mom, dad and baby. family of three.

6:00 am

i'm still scared. i am happy. i cry when they take him away. he must still be monitored. this is not in my birth plan.

not my will. i must remember.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

hope. i have hope. my son.

change

where did august and september go? so much has changed in the past two months. . .

we now live in opelika. david has a new job. i'm doing contract work from home.

we are 35 weeks pregnant. yes, in five weeks, give or take, wells will be here.

big changes. important changes. life changes. for someone who doesn't exactly like change in general, it's definitely been very good for me. for us.

david is happy. he loves his job. he enjoys being back "home" again.

i'm glad to no longer be in birmingham. though i do miss work and friends, life is just so much simpler here. not as fast paced. quieter. sweeter.

lots of changes. we're back in a church home. i've joined a bible study group that is doing wonders already. david has joined a men's group. he's taken up crossfit. we've furnished a nursery.

a nursery. our nursery. it still seems so unreal that wells is almost here. back in february, this time felt like it was ages away. not so much anymore. . .

changes. good changes. positive changes. lots of changes.

change can still be scary.

transitioning from a "woman who's expecting" to an actual "mother" is going to be the biggest change yet. never again will life be the same. it excites me. it terrifies me. it reminds me that i cannot do it alone. that i will not be perfect. at all. not even close.

and that's okay.

my first week of bible study, our memory verse was Hebrews 13:8

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever."

what a powerful truth: despite my circumstances, He does not change. oh, how comforting it is to read those words, to meditate on that thought.

my verse this week has been just as helpful--Galatians 3:3

"How can you be so foolish? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort?"

finishing my projects for the nursery these past two weeks has really brought this into perspective again. i can't do anything on my own. i shouldn't do it on my own. i shouldn't shame myself for imperfection. i am not perfect.

time to officially change my mentality: i am an imperfect woman loved by a perfect God.

::wipes brow:: what a relief, huh?

all i can do is my best effort. and that is okay. that is the standard. not perfection.

and with that, it's time to reveal wells's nursery photos, complete with imperfect projects that i love. knowing that wells will be in here soon makes me love it even more.

simply diy project: add patterned paper to the back of a standard bookshelf.

 many thanks to my "roommate" for her decor styling!

 yeah, he has a few books. . . 

 diy project: hubby sanded this dresser (thanks, linda and wally) and painted it.

 comfy chair (thanks, mom and dad)--i foresee a lot of time being spent here

 diy projects: thrift store side table with a coat of paint added to brighten it up

mod podged bottle with baby theme art--adding lights soon

 diy project: felt owl mobile inspired by one i found on etsy. after making it, i now understand why she charges $100 for it. 

 my dad made the changing pad holder :)

(we have yet to hang anything on the walls--i tend to be indecisive when it comes to these things)

so there you have it: the beginning of the next major change.

change is good.

little things

it takes very little for me to get slightly wound up, in general.

case in point-- conversation between hubby and me driving down highway 280:

me: "so, honestly, driving in the center lane and seeing cars drive past you on both sides doesn't bother you at all? doesn't make you want to immediately change lanes?"

hubby: "no. i mean, i see them, but i'm fine right here."

me: "wow. that must be nice."

it's so easy to forget the little things. the small parts of every day that make me smile. being a pessimist at heart, i have to work to focus on the positive, especially when things get rough.

but, i think pregnancy is helping to change my perspective. my focus has most definitely shifted to be more in tune with daily events instead of generally worrying about what may or may not happen in the future. it used to be a lot easier to look over the details of every day. i now find myself noticing the details in everyday life that i used to take for granted, or, at the very least, ignore.

like david's laughter.

my husband has the most intoxicating laugh. seriously. one of the earliest indications that i knew i would fall in love with him? he laughed, OUT LOUD, during an episode of the golden girls (that i made him watch with me).

not too long ago, we were talking about something and i noticed david's laugh again. i found myself thinking, "i certainly hope wells has his father's sense of humor. i wonder if his laugh will sound the same." i'm sure you can only imagine the huge smile that came to my face.

i'm trying to take it day by day. hour by hour. some days, minute by minute. i'm learning to focus on the small things.

like baby flutters. the first kick. the first set of hiccups. the expression on david's face the first time he felt wells move inside of me.

yes, on the tough days, these are the little things that make everything okay.

run away cats

yes, it's been a while. too long. my apologies.

so, anyway, last week, my cats ran away. both of them. at different times. it was like they were tag teaming my nerves or something.

gabby and tino are indoor cats. mostly because i am overprotective and haven't lived anywhere with a fence until i married david. besides, i want them inside to cuddle with me.

last friday night, my sweet in-laws came over to install the back splash in our kitchen, which means the wet saw was being used, which means the garage was needed, which led to no one thinking about putting up the cat door stopper. oops.

around midnight, david realized gabby was missing, which led to us roaming the streets for her (me, half asleep in my old pink bath robe). no luck. solution? sleep with the garage door up. she'll come home.

and she did. by 5 am, gabby was on the bed meowing. and tino was no where to be found.

i admit it: tino is my favorite. yes, he is BAD, and can be intensely annoying, but he's the sweetest animal i've ever encountered. seriously. he loves to be in my lap on the couch. in the bed, he prefers to be the "little spoon."

so, yes, at this point, i paniced a bit. overall, i did a great job of keeping it together. i just kept reminding myself of how the stress could affect the baby. i tried my best to remain calm. by 9 pm, when i turned off the bedroom light, i was convinced he was gone for good. no amount of roaming the streets, driving around, or calling had produced my cat.

sleep lasted only a few hours. by 11:30, i was sitting outside on the driveway, propped up in david's tailgate chair with a beach towel to ease the chill.

after a short while, i noticed all the cars, mostly with teenage boys or boy/girl combinations, flying down the street. huh?  then it clicked: date night. midnight curfew. beginning of summer--don't blow it.

my hand immediately went to my belly. great. this is what i have to look forward to: waiting up for my son to come home once he's driving on his own. flashback to my own mother waiting for me in high school. big sigh.

then, mild panic: if i am this saddened by my cat running away, what would i ever do if my CHILD did this? panic: or if he was taken from me? i immediately began to think of all the stories of lost children--how in the world did those mothers go on every day, not knowing, wondering, worrying, panicking? enter massive panic. sobbing. over my run away cat and unborn missing child. thank you, hormones.

reflecting a week later, i'm still trying to see what i can learn from the experience. my conclusion? i need to trust more. i need to trust that there is always a bigger picture. the hardest part is accepting that it might not ever be revealed to me.

after searching for a verse to help me believe and learn to trust, i've settled on this one:

Isaiah 12:2: " Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense;  he has become my salvation. ”

i've had several moments of panic and sheer terror since finding out i was pregnant. from small incidents to letting my worries get the best of me, it's been an up and down experience so far (more up than down, but still...). developing a greater sense of trust will  help me get through the next few months, and, more importantly, the rest of my life as a mother. because it never ends, this parent gig. i've always known that, but am now beginning to understand it intimately.

thankfully, this small misadventure had a happy ending: at 12:45 am, sleepless, i decided to lie across the spare room bed, where i could see the cat door and most likely hear it opening. a little orange head popped through at 1:49 am.

my little spoon :)

all you need

i'm a sucker for cheese. cheesy stuff, that is. give me a good romantic comedy.  pick me a flower. set the coffee pot for me. if it's a sweet gesture, i'll fall for it every time.

one of my favorite movies is love actually. what's not to love? it combines my slight obsession with british culture, colin firth, hugh grant, a great soundtrack, and, of course, an extra dose of cheese. it's hard to choose a favorite scene, but this one is definitely one of them (along with the mark and juliet "carol singers" scene):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqHRMuUhmnA
**Note embedding was disabled. Just take the extra second to click and watch it, okay?**

oh yeah, the movie also has a wedding. and a proposal. cheese overload? yes, please.

anyway. so at the end of last june, i attended my first magnolia creek alumni reunion. the timing was perfect: i was stressed. i was tired. i was feeling alone.

the last activity we did that day involved each of us getting a sheet of paper with a single phrase on it. we were told that we had to figure out how they were related. this was mine:

coincidence? i think not.

it now hangs on my closet door as a reminder.

i've mentioned faith and fate on this blog a lot already, but i'll say it again: despite the rough times i've been through (and am sure are ahead too), i truly believe that everything happens some way for a reason. there is no accident. life is a chain of events.

it is this amazing group of women in recovery that reminded me that creating is therapy for me. and a reason i started this blog in the first place. yeah, i know, the crafts haven't been showing up...(oops)

but i have been creating! see?

i love my crafts. love the process. love the thought that goes into them. however, the best ones are made with love.

it should be ready at the end of october.

(side note: to those who understand, it's a "tough mudder" baby!)

what now?

if you have gathered anything about me (considering the possibility that you are reading this and you DON'T know me very well), it is that i tend to be introspective. perhaps this is a trait of avid readers...


at any rate, i am a dork who loves an inspirational talk/speech/address. (yes, i am the one person who looks forward to keynote speakers and conferences.) yes, i openly own it. with a big smile.


like any bookworm, i have my favorite authors. one i recently discovered (and quickly grew to love), is ann patchett (absolutely brilliant. period.). combine my love of books with my adoration for inspirational speeches and speakers...i recently stumbled upon her "lauded commencement address at Sarah Lawrence College" (her alma matar). needless to say, i love it.


what now is a great example of reflection, of thinking about your circumstances and how they relate to your purpose, if not in life, for God's unique timing.


" 'What now is not just a panic-stricken question tossed out into a dark unknown. What now can also be our joy. It is a declaration of possibility, of promise, of chance. It acknowledges that our future is open, that we may well do more than anyone expected of us, that at every point in our development we are still striving to grow. There's a time in our lives when we all crave the answers. It seems terrifying not to know what's coming next. But there is another time, a better time, when we see our lives as a series of choices, and What now represents our excitement and our future, the very vitality of life. It's up to you to choose a life that will keep expanding.' "


i read her speech last week, and took a picture of this page (yep, with my Iphone-yay technology) so i could remember it (page 77, if you want to be specific--and i feel that i must be). little did i know that her words would have a larger impression on me the next week.


my coworkers and i spent today in a professional development session to address our communication skills (at some point every month, we all deliver "trainings" or "presentations" to large audiences). after our short lunch break, all ten of us were informed that we had to give an expository speech for 2 minutes.  the rest of us were to provide critiques and feedback on each one (read: you must critique your peers and two supervisors. panic? yep.).


as we each took a turn over the next hour and a half (with great courage, might i add--it is so much easier to speak in front of people with whom you do not work with every day), i was reminded of the variety of communication and presentation styles of my colleagues. i reflected upon the unique passions for our nonprofit work. whether it stems from a deeply personal experience, as my sweet Leslie feels, or a strong passion to simply help other child care providers succeed, as Beverly exudes, we all "do what we do" because we feel drawn to this field.


"'What Now'" is just a glimpse into the impact we can make in the world. we can choose to rejoice in the opportunities that they will bring.


whatever life has handed you now, my hope it that you will find the good it in; that you will inspire the generation to come.


life isn't always how we "expect it," but is always how we "embrace it." if nothing else, my precious life has been nothing but a lesson in this fact: my amazing husband david is a lesson that "everything happens for a reason (even if i don't really understand it until 14 years later...). "


I don't know about you,  but i like to "'have strengths to stand upon.'"


Psalm 91:14 states, "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name."


my blessed assurance is that, in time, He will provide all that We need.

finally!

i am BEYOND excited! the article is finally up!

i love dressing

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever." Psalm 107:1

though i was not thankful that tino decided to knock some books off a shelf to an attempt to demand breakfast this morning, i am glad that he acted as my alarm clock at 7 am. i needed to start cooking.

hubby is working today. while i would prefer that we could spend every holiday together, his career in the er does not allow that.  we celebrated with his family (now very much "our" family in my heart) at the lake last sunday. i have plans to meet up with my family in a few hours. until yesterday at about 4:30 pm, i was okay with said plans.

i stopped at the store to grab some salad mix. really. that's all that i went in to buy. and then i noticed all the people buying last minute thanksgiving items. and i decided, on a whim, to grab some stuff for a small scale thanksgiving lunch for hubby and me.

so, at 7 am, i put the turkey tenderloin in the crockpot (hey, it's just the two of us). i diced veggies for the dressing (my jojo's to-die-for recipe!), peeled sweet potatoes, created pickle relish after discovering i didn't have any, and planned a timeline for the morning.

at 11:30, the meal was ready. hubby came into the kitchen. when he saw the mini "spread" (complete with cranberry sauce right out of the can--gotta have the rings!), to say he was stunned would be an understatement. "i didn't know you were doing all of this. you didn't have to do this. thank you" were some of the phrases he repeated over the next 20 minutes.

my response? i wanted to do it. i wanted to see him smile at the yummy food. i wanted to eat with him. i wanted to create another memory.

as we ate, we talked about how the rest of our days would go. i talked about eating more dressing and then spreading out the black friday ads with my sister. taking a power nap. shopping!!!

he talked about work being slow. he said that most of the patients would probably be those from the nursing home--the thought process being that family goes to actually visit them today, and then they take them to the hospital because they "look bad."

this made me sad. but, at the same time, it made me happy.

i am thankful that those who have to unfortunately visit the uab er until 1 am will potentially be assigned to david.

i am thankful that he will be there to comfort them. that his heart is big enough to work in such an environment.

i am thankful that i get to share my life with him, and to know that he feels the same.

i am thankful for life. for love. for support.

i am thankful. period.

"and just like that, my runnin' days was over."

forrest gump. maybe you have to be from the south, and to have seen the movie in the theatre, to truly appreciate the beauty of the story. oh, and absolutely, positively adore tom hanks in this role.

my husband LOVES this movie. no, like REALLY LOVES it. as in, he can recite much of the three hours of script alone...

forrest is a simple minded man. most of us would hate to be this way, but it humbles me. to think about how much we try to complicate life. make such a big deal about everything. how much easier life could be if we just lived.

when he thinks he has lost jenny forever, thinks maybe he did something to cause it, forrest runs.  for years. runs away from life.

for those of us who deal with ED on a daily basis, this is such a perfect analogy for our lives...we run. from life. from stress. from problems. from anything and everything...sometimes, we just run for the sake of running. because it has become a way of life. but it really isn't life. it isn't living.

eventually, the running ends. "i'm pretty tired...i think i'll go home now.

embracing recovery, for me, it exactly like that. no more running away.

forrest runs again though, when he sees how close he is to jenny at the end.

and to hear jenny say "this is my old friend from alabama" both warms and heals my heart--to know that i am forever united to my 'old friend from alabama.'

and to hear "lieutenant dan, this is my jenny."and later, "he's the most beautiful thing i've ever seen" makes me sob like a baby...

it is time to stop running. i'm tired. i'm ready to go home. for good.

david, i will forever be your jenny.

return to paradise, or "wow, i really have started to 'reframe' my thinking'"

we've been home for five days. i'm still a bit sad not to be in paradise, but i had a HUGE realization on friday.

so, i was telling a coworker i had yet to see since my return that our trip was wonderful. absolute bliss. except for getting sick on the last plane ride home (miami and i don't mix, apparently). then, i suddenly remembered what had happened on the way to paradise.

(insert story about how we flew out of miami. got about 30 very turbulent minutes in the air when the flight attendants booked it down the aisle just as the captain announced that we had "engine problems" but we "shouldn't be alarmed" (key: panic! anxiety! where are my coping skills???). eventually, we turned around. deplaned. re-boarded. ended up in mexico later than expected.)

anyway. point being--the old me would have lead with this story. made a BIG deal out of it.

yes, at the time, i was pissed. i was so freaking excited about our trip that it really upset me.

however, now, looking back, i see how i look at it now as a very positive episode. i overcame a negative thought. actually nearly eliminated it from the experience--it is the last thing i think of when i describe the trip.

it was not my "lead off hitter," so to speak.

just a little bump on the way to paradise...for anyone with ED, you know how hard it is to see the good sometimes (well, most of the time on some days).

and wonderful it was! perfect weather. funny commentary to adult entertainment. lots of time spent as close together as possible. wonderful food. lots of laughter. i'll spare you the intimate details, but let's just say it was splendid. period.

i cried the entire way to the airport on tuesday. no joke. david was worried. i told him it was a sign that it was a wonderful trip. we had a much needed time together. i savored every single second of it. my husband freakin' rocks. no, really. he is simply amazing. there are no other words to describe how he makes me feel. i told him several times how "hot" i felt in my bikini. how pretty i felt at dinner.

and it's not my body. it's my spirit.

david is helping me embrace myself. curves. "larger" clothes.

(by the way, this means NEW clothes, which is NEVER a bad thing [thank god for 50% off days at the thrift store where i score absolutely awesome steals on hardly worn clothes that are even better than the old navy and target finds i've outgrown.] **insert MUCH LOVE to lisa nunn. you are AMAZING. i love you. no, REALLY love you, beautiful lady!**)

it's made me think a lot about seeing things differently. something that is ordinary; ugly; boring; or useless can be made into something else. very easily (although sometimes (read: wine bottle project) time consuming).

so, here are a few pictures of my pinterest inspired creations...

this

became this! plus dollar tree flowers!

lower right two of these $.50 finds at on a shoestring (my new LOVE)

the first one of these from on a shoe string

+ DYI fabric flower = cute cocktails rings!

and another removable ring!

dollar store document frame + scrapbook paper and + wine corks

= DIY dry erase board

and DIY initial artwork! 

as you can see, i'm in a good place. a great place. and super happy.

david: i love you.

the best medicine(s)?

i follow some very inspirational peeps on twitter. @healthyplace is a favorite of mine.

amongst the great articles and blog posts, they tweet some great quotes.

here's one from yesterday: "i know that laughter and sunshine can restore my soul." ~veronica hay

for those of us who deal with ED, this is so.very.true. scary true, to be exact.

i've spoken briefly about how isolating this disorder is--all consuming, really. when we "get inside our heads," it's hard to get out, much less laugh. and oh, how laughter can be a great medicine.

ED tells you that you don't deserve to be happy, to smile, to laugh. laughing until you cry isn't even comprehendable. the same goes with "sunshine." you don't want to be seen. period. if the sun is out and it's warm, more of you, literally, is exposed. blech.

these days, i am loving me some laughter and sunshine. if they are together, even better!

i am fortunate enough to work with some ladies that make me laugh at least 5.7 times a day, minimum. from donna thinking her chapstick is a gluestick, to leslie reading her evaluation comments, to lisa's random thinking out loud, my life is definitely NOT lacking in laughter. many days, i laugh until i cry, or almost spit out my drink (as i nearly did yesterday. thank you, donna!).

i'm extremely blessed to have a husband who loves to see me smile, hear me laugh, and spend time in the sun.  some of our happiest times are spent "sunning" at the lake while either reading, floating in the water, and/or laughing at the dogs/neighbors/some other random thing. in fact, our entire honeymoon was spent in the sun. and GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY how excited we are to return there in two weeks!

it's no coinicidence that this quote spoke to me: the  night of my wedding reception, my dad and i dance, laughed and sang along to the beatles:

"here comes the sun.
here comes the sun. and i say, it's all right.

little darlin', it's been a long, cold, lonely winter. little darlin', it feels like years since it's been here.

here comes the sun.
here comes the sun. and i say, it's all right.

little darlin', the smile's returning to the faces. little darlin', it seems like years since it's been here.

here comes the sun.
here comes the sun. and i say, it's all right."


for a family that barely survived in the shadows of life, it is oh.so.very.wonderful to be in the sun again.

and i wouldn't be here now if not for my wonderful husband of nearly (as of saturday) one year.

that night, we all danced the night away (yes, even our parents, who both celebrate 35 years of marriage in 2011!), and ended with this:

"when you can't find the light that guides you through a cloudy day;
when the stars ain't shinin' bright and it feels like you've lost your way;
when those candle lights of home burn so very far away,
well, you got to let your soul shine
just like my daddy used to say.

he used to say the soulshine
it's better than sunshine;
it's better than moonshine;
damn sure better than rain.

hey, now people don't mind;
we all get this way sometimes;
you got to let your soul shine;
shine 'til the break of day."

my sweet david, i love you. thanks for the love, the laughter, and the soulshine. i absolutely cannot wait to see what the next fifty years will bring.

photo by morgan howard ;)