i hate naming posts

it's january. 2013.

wow.

i feel like Wells just arrived yesterday, but it's almost been three months now.

must be the severe lack of quality sleep. and the fact that i think i have exactly 5 brain cells left, which take turns "working" as best they can each day. ::sigh::

this mommy gig? yeah, the hardest thing i've ever done, by far.  it never ceases to amaze me that it can be simultaneously rewarding and terribly trying at the same time.

there are days when i want to run. away. far, far away (no pun intended). spend an entire 24 hours to myself? bliss. but, not an option at this point.

i know i will look back at this point in a few years and smile. knowing that it was all worth it. (for those of you who don't know, i'm a strong supporter of breastfeeding exclusively for the first six months, if possible). (please note: i am well aware that every mother is entitled to her own opinion, as influenced by her and her family's needs and beliefs. this is not a post to persuade/impose my own theories on anyone. spare me this in the comments, please.)

but there are days that i have to constantly remind myself that it will get better. one day. soon, hopefully...

until then, i must try to focus on the positive aspects of motherhood; the small moments that can so easily get overlooked in the day-to-day constant struggles. as it is, i am an extremely visual person (yes, i am the one who hates to see the movie after i read the book mainly because it doesn't look like i pictured as i enjoyed reading it...--not to mention the stupid plot changes, but that's a completely different rant...). so, a few days ago, i decided to create something to help me with this task:

this

became this

yes, my goal is to record something, no matter how small it may be, that makes me smile every day (or, every day i actually remember to write it down...missed two thus far...sigh...) ...particularly those related to great challenges (hence, many blessings will refer to my precious baby boy). my daily devotion from proverbs 31 ministries today was this (i am constantly in awe of how the Lord can draw me in when i allow Him to do so):

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2

on the hard days, it will serve as a reminder that every day has positive aspects: blessings to be forever thankful for and appreciated.

i've also been seeking one word to pray, search and meditate on this year. i have a strong feeling as to what it shall be, but will save it for a (sooner, rather than) later post. :)

here's to a joyful 2013: may your blessings be too many to count and contain!

change

where did august and september go? so much has changed in the past two months. . .

we now live in opelika. david has a new job. i'm doing contract work from home.

we are 35 weeks pregnant. yes, in five weeks, give or take, wells will be here.

big changes. important changes. life changes. for someone who doesn't exactly like change in general, it's definitely been very good for me. for us.

david is happy. he loves his job. he enjoys being back "home" again.

i'm glad to no longer be in birmingham. though i do miss work and friends, life is just so much simpler here. not as fast paced. quieter. sweeter.

lots of changes. we're back in a church home. i've joined a bible study group that is doing wonders already. david has joined a men's group. he's taken up crossfit. we've furnished a nursery.

a nursery. our nursery. it still seems so unreal that wells is almost here. back in february, this time felt like it was ages away. not so much anymore. . .

changes. good changes. positive changes. lots of changes.

change can still be scary.

transitioning from a "woman who's expecting" to an actual "mother" is going to be the biggest change yet. never again will life be the same. it excites me. it terrifies me. it reminds me that i cannot do it alone. that i will not be perfect. at all. not even close.

and that's okay.

my first week of bible study, our memory verse was Hebrews 13:8

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever."

what a powerful truth: despite my circumstances, He does not change. oh, how comforting it is to read those words, to meditate on that thought.

my verse this week has been just as helpful--Galatians 3:3

"How can you be so foolish? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort?"

finishing my projects for the nursery these past two weeks has really brought this into perspective again. i can't do anything on my own. i shouldn't do it on my own. i shouldn't shame myself for imperfection. i am not perfect.

time to officially change my mentality: i am an imperfect woman loved by a perfect God.

::wipes brow:: what a relief, huh?

all i can do is my best effort. and that is okay. that is the standard. not perfection.

and with that, it's time to reveal wells's nursery photos, complete with imperfect projects that i love. knowing that wells will be in here soon makes me love it even more.

simply diy project: add patterned paper to the back of a standard bookshelf.

 many thanks to my "roommate" for her decor styling!

 yeah, he has a few books. . . 

 diy project: hubby sanded this dresser (thanks, linda and wally) and painted it.

 comfy chair (thanks, mom and dad)--i foresee a lot of time being spent here

 diy projects: thrift store side table with a coat of paint added to brighten it up

mod podged bottle with baby theme art--adding lights soon

 diy project: felt owl mobile inspired by one i found on etsy. after making it, i now understand why she charges $100 for it. 

 my dad made the changing pad holder :)

(we have yet to hang anything on the walls--i tend to be indecisive when it comes to these things)

so there you have it: the beginning of the next major change.

change is good.

dear me...

i saw this blog post by Today's Parent on twitter friday morning. it got me thinking about my 12-year-old self. wow, the differences between how i remember feeling and what i remember upon deeper reflection. let me explain:

my 12-year-old perspective of myself at 12 years old

• my thighs are so much bigger than everyone else in dance class.
• i have to be a "base" in cheerleading because i'm too fat to be a "flyer."
• if only i could buy my clothes at "xyz" store, maybe i'd be more popular.
• the girls on my cheerleading squad don't like me because i don't go to their school.
• mom says boys like me, but are intimidated by my being smart.
• i hate being labeled "smart"
• i have to make straight As. no exceptions.
• i need to be perfect.

yikes. it still saddens me to reflect.

what i wish this 12-year-old girl only knew

• you will fail in life. and you will survive.
• you are not defined by your body shape or size.
• popularity has nothing to do with material possessions or location. if it does, you don't want to associate with those people anyway.
• your gpa will only get you so far. your future employers have no interest in it.
• being "labeled smart" isn't a bad thing. it gives you respect in many cases.
• perfection is unattainable.

(yeah, that last one is still a daily reminder, even at 31.)

• oh, one more thing: in about two years you will meet the love of your life. definitely something to get excited about.

the good part of all this? it's the past. it is does not have to be the future. every day is a new opportunity to live, love and hope.

for many reasons, i'm glad my first child is a boy. i pray that wells will be spared the plagues of body image issues and mental illness.

accepting my changing body has been a challenge. some days more than others. i rely on information about health and this process to keep me focused. (and the fact that my husband can't take his eyes off me and always wants to touch me--while at times a nuisance--doesn't hurt.)

it helps to focus on the truth, what i know to be absolute:

"Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD; the fruit of the womb is a reward." Psalm 127:3

all you need

i'm a sucker for cheese. cheesy stuff, that is. give me a good romantic comedy.  pick me a flower. set the coffee pot for me. if it's a sweet gesture, i'll fall for it every time.

one of my favorite movies is love actually. what's not to love? it combines my slight obsession with british culture, colin firth, hugh grant, a great soundtrack, and, of course, an extra dose of cheese. it's hard to choose a favorite scene, but this one is definitely one of them (along with the mark and juliet "carol singers" scene):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqHRMuUhmnA
**Note embedding was disabled. Just take the extra second to click and watch it, okay?**

oh yeah, the movie also has a wedding. and a proposal. cheese overload? yes, please.

anyway. so at the end of last june, i attended my first magnolia creek alumni reunion. the timing was perfect: i was stressed. i was tired. i was feeling alone.

the last activity we did that day involved each of us getting a sheet of paper with a single phrase on it. we were told that we had to figure out how they were related. this was mine:

coincidence? i think not.

it now hangs on my closet door as a reminder.

i've mentioned faith and fate on this blog a lot already, but i'll say it again: despite the rough times i've been through (and am sure are ahead too), i truly believe that everything happens some way for a reason. there is no accident. life is a chain of events.

it is this amazing group of women in recovery that reminded me that creating is therapy for me. and a reason i started this blog in the first place. yeah, i know, the crafts haven't been showing up...(oops)

but i have been creating! see?

i love my crafts. love the process. love the thought that goes into them. however, the best ones are made with love.

it should be ready at the end of october.

(side note: to those who understand, it's a "tough mudder" baby!)

bingeing

for those of us who fight the urge to binge and purge, it's usually related to a need to escape. a way to numb out from life. to not deal with whatever situations, emotions, or worries are plaguing us.

ed tells you its the only way to deal with the mess inside your head.

yet another one of his lies.

my daily quote calendar has given me some great inspiration for posts. i'm just now getting around to writing one...(if i did this during working hours, it would happen more often.)

see, i've been living. enjoying life. getting outside of my head. a lot.

julia child said it best: life itself is the proper binge.

this past weekend, i enjoyed frozen limeades, sunshine and a book i could not put down (sing you home). i opened the windows and took long naps. i went to easter service. alone. i painted my toenails a glittery red. i window shopped online. i watched an old movie on lifetime.

yes, it was a binge: a "i'm doing whatever i want, when i want, outside of my thoughts and feelings" weekend. and at night, when my husband returned home from his last working weekend (YAY!), i snuggled up against him on the couch and in the bed. 

i didn't run away. i lived. and i loved every minute of it.

yet another reason why i am a cat person

in general, i do not enjoy exercising. not even a tiny bit. i'd much rather drink water and watch a fitness dvd while lounging on the couch then actually copy the obnoxious, incredibly too perky instructor with abs of steel and a butt on which you could serve tea.

however, in making bigger attempts to eat right and stay fit (and this whole "recovery" thing in general), i am trying to be more physically active.

i came home today and engaged in my usual after work routine (pjs, glass of water, facebook). then, deciding that it was good weather to be outside, i changed clothes again (okay, lie. i put a pullover and tennis shoes on), grabbed cooper's leash, my older-than-dirt ipod mini (because my newest one disappeared at work over a year ago) and headed outside.

i must stop here. cooper is "mine" by marriage. he is my step-dog. for the most part, though i give my husband a hard time, cooper is a fairly good dog (mainly because all he generally does is eat and sleep. oh--and fart. a lot).

so, being good doggy mom i am, i decided to bring cooper along, right? bad idea.

picture it: me, happily striding along to the beatles. cooper, walking, sniffing and attempting to mark everything. we make it a good 20 minutes. then, disaster strikes.

enter cute little yorkie. see cooper sniff. watch mommy tug on leash. see cooper defy mommy and continue to sniff, despite being drug away. go cooper. go yorkie. see cooper duck his head. oh no! the collar came off. run yorkie, run. run cooper, run. oh, crap.

mommy does not like to run.

meanwhile, back at home, my cats are lounging on the bed.

::sigh::

i love dressing

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever." Psalm 107:1

though i was not thankful that tino decided to knock some books off a shelf to an attempt to demand breakfast this morning, i am glad that he acted as my alarm clock at 7 am. i needed to start cooking.

hubby is working today. while i would prefer that we could spend every holiday together, his career in the er does not allow that.  we celebrated with his family (now very much "our" family in my heart) at the lake last sunday. i have plans to meet up with my family in a few hours. until yesterday at about 4:30 pm, i was okay with said plans.

i stopped at the store to grab some salad mix. really. that's all that i went in to buy. and then i noticed all the people buying last minute thanksgiving items. and i decided, on a whim, to grab some stuff for a small scale thanksgiving lunch for hubby and me.

so, at 7 am, i put the turkey tenderloin in the crockpot (hey, it's just the two of us). i diced veggies for the dressing (my jojo's to-die-for recipe!), peeled sweet potatoes, created pickle relish after discovering i didn't have any, and planned a timeline for the morning.

at 11:30, the meal was ready. hubby came into the kitchen. when he saw the mini "spread" (complete with cranberry sauce right out of the can--gotta have the rings!), to say he was stunned would be an understatement. "i didn't know you were doing all of this. you didn't have to do this. thank you" were some of the phrases he repeated over the next 20 minutes.

my response? i wanted to do it. i wanted to see him smile at the yummy food. i wanted to eat with him. i wanted to create another memory.

as we ate, we talked about how the rest of our days would go. i talked about eating more dressing and then spreading out the black friday ads with my sister. taking a power nap. shopping!!!

he talked about work being slow. he said that most of the patients would probably be those from the nursing home--the thought process being that family goes to actually visit them today, and then they take them to the hospital because they "look bad."

this made me sad. but, at the same time, it made me happy.

i am thankful that those who have to unfortunately visit the uab er until 1 am will potentially be assigned to david.

i am thankful that he will be there to comfort them. that his heart is big enough to work in such an environment.

i am thankful that i get to share my life with him, and to know that he feels the same.

i am thankful for life. for love. for support.

i am thankful. period.

"and just like that, my runnin' days was over."

forrest gump. maybe you have to be from the south, and to have seen the movie in the theatre, to truly appreciate the beauty of the story. oh, and absolutely, positively adore tom hanks in this role.

my husband LOVES this movie. no, like REALLY LOVES it. as in, he can recite much of the three hours of script alone...

forrest is a simple minded man. most of us would hate to be this way, but it humbles me. to think about how much we try to complicate life. make such a big deal about everything. how much easier life could be if we just lived.

when he thinks he has lost jenny forever, thinks maybe he did something to cause it, forrest runs.  for years. runs away from life.

for those of us who deal with ED on a daily basis, this is such a perfect analogy for our lives...we run. from life. from stress. from problems. from anything and everything...sometimes, we just run for the sake of running. because it has become a way of life. but it really isn't life. it isn't living.

eventually, the running ends. "i'm pretty tired...i think i'll go home now.

embracing recovery, for me, it exactly like that. no more running away.

forrest runs again though, when he sees how close he is to jenny at the end.

and to hear jenny say "this is my old friend from alabama" both warms and heals my heart--to know that i am forever united to my 'old friend from alabama.'

and to hear "lieutenant dan, this is my jenny."and later, "he's the most beautiful thing i've ever seen" makes me sob like a baby...

it is time to stop running. i'm tired. i'm ready to go home. for good.

david, i will forever be your jenny.

get serious. again.

so, in late 2007, december 20, to be exact, my father helped me regain control of my life. it hasn't been easy. at times life downright sucks. but, i'm done with existing. i'm living. and what a great life it is!

any other pinterest addicts out there? (it's okay. i won't tell).  this site came about at a great time. i was struggling again with ED (it seems to be a shadow for a lot of us for quite a while) when my awesome co-worker told me i needed to join (i'd already seen others talking about it on facebook, but had resisted so far). she sent an invite. i signed up.

now that my adoring husband has helped me "see the light" so-to-speak, i have decided to "create recovery" through the arts (and crafts). (yes, karen, i stole your note title here. forgive me.)

what will this blog look like? not sure just yet. expect some crafts. and some art. and some ED information, resources and, on occasion, some ranting.

that's me. take it or leave it.

here's my first simple project: create an attractive way to store my brochures at work. the problem? i work for a wonderful non-profit (read: tight budget. always looking to save money. or not spend it. i feel bad ordering office supplies. i also spend a great amount of time off the clock looking for free resources. which has led my recent explosion of brochures for my clients. which is good and bad.).

after a few days of "pinning," i decided to just begin by re-purposing some snack boxes with scrapbook paper. easy enough.

a cheap (because i already have tons of printed paper, and, let's face it, snack food boxes are easy enough to come by--especially when you work with a bunch of women) and simple storage solution. i plan on labeling the sides on a shelf in my office space.  i'll update with a picture when i have more so you can enjoy all the cuteness too :)

until next time, if you want to learn more about what it's like to live with ED, i encourage you to read this awesome book (or, encourage someone else to read it).

oh, and you can read more about my story in all you in december! (i'm a little bit excited!)

LIVE life. LOVE yourself. CREATE recovery.
me