hi. it's me. yeah, it's been a while...
life got busy. no, make that, baby got BUSY! super busy. he's all over the place. all the time. and still hates to nap.
and i love him so much it hurts.
the few times he has slept through the night, i don't. i wake up, grab the monitor. has he moved since i last looked? i'm so terrified of seeing him in the same position. i can't enjoy this "sleeping through the night."not now. not yet.
the truth? i prefer hearing him whining around 3 am.
this i know. this is my new normal.
i go into the nursery, pick up my sleepy boy...settle into the oh so comfortable, overpriced but worth EVERY penny glider--thank you gigi and pawpaw.
sweet baby nurses. all is right in the world.
i think about how hard this was six months ago, what a chore it seemed like then. it's so easy now. i think about him weaning himself in the future. i sob, yes, uncontrollable crying in the rare moments i'm alone in my house. i do not want this to end. i know it will, that it should. but still. . .
this is the only snuggling i get. will he completely want to stop being held after he's weaned?
can i handle that?
most days, i think not.
this mom thing? it's way harder that it seems.
the abstract concept of being a parent, of completely trying to devote yourself to another life? so much easier than the reality: it's exhausting and difficult and hard. and so sweet. so very sweet i can barely go a day without pressing my boy close to me and fighting back the tears. . .
i want him to grow, to be strong and smart and big. but, at the same time, i don't want any of this. i want him to stay around 16 pounds and under 30 inches, not walking, BIG smile every time he sees me.
i started working, just barley part time, three weeks ago. now i know why david looks so elated every day when he walks in the door after 5 pm: there's nothing quite like wells's "I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" face.
seriously. it makes my day. every time. (and yes, on the days i don't go into work, i :might: walk out of the room just to see this expression when i return . . .)
this mom thing? it's oh, so sweeter than i ever thought it could be. ever imagined it would be. . .
i'm seeking the heart of my Father these days, trying to understand His love, why He loves me when i am so unworthy. and now, now that i am a parent myself? it makes crazy sense: more than it ever did before. . .
i am more than blessed to be a member of a church with a seeking heart, one that wants His people to know Him more.
psalm 46:10 was our first memory verse in my Bible study last week:
“Be still, and know that I am God!
I will be honored by every nation.
I will be honored throughout the world.”
yes, as Christians, many of us "know" this verse. we "know" what it says. . .
(okay, in case you didn't know this already) i am a HUGE grammar queen. seriously--correct, complex punctuation elates me (no, really: give me a sentence to diagram...).
so, i was pondering this verse alone in the shower (yes, alone being the operative phrase, as wells is usually playing around with me these days--it's just easier this way) and i found myself crying.
Crying over the mere punctuation in this translation: He isn't worried about the future. He knows how it's all going to end. He doesn't have any fears about it. He just wants me, now, as i am, flaws and all. "BE STILL!" is where His excitement lies.
humbled now? yeah, me too.
it makes sense, how this boy of mine lights up when he sees me; how he only wants me at times; how only i can calm him. . .
this is the heart of my Lord--in the flesh--oh mary, how did you ever do this?