being still. . .

hi. it's me. yeah, it's been a while...

life got busy. no, make that, baby got BUSY! super busy. he's all over the place. all the time. and still hates to nap.

and i love him so much it hurts.

the few times he has slept through the night, i don't. i wake up, grab the monitor. has he moved since i last looked? i'm so terrified of seeing him in the same position. i can't enjoy this "sleeping through the night."not now. not yet.

the truth? i prefer hearing him whining around 3 am.

this i know. this is my new normal.

i go into the nursery, pick up my sleepy boy...settle into the oh so comfortable, overpriced but worth EVERY penny glider--thank you gigi and pawpaw.

sweet baby nurses. all is right in the world.

i think about how hard this was six months ago, what a chore it seemed like then. it's so easy now. i think about him weaning himself in the future. i sob, yes, uncontrollable crying in the rare moments i'm alone in my house. i do not want this to end. i know it will, that it should. but still. . .

this is the only snuggling i get. will he completely want to stop being held after he's weaned?

can i handle that?

most days, i think not.

this mom thing? it's way harder that it seems.

the abstract concept of being a parent, of completely trying to devote yourself to another life? so much easier than the reality: it's exhausting and difficult and hard. and so sweet. so very sweet i can barely go a day without pressing my boy close to me and fighting back the tears. . .

i want him to grow, to be strong and smart and big. but, at the same time, i don't want any of this. i want him to stay around 16 pounds and under 30 inches, not walking, BIG smile every time he sees me.

i started working, just barley part time, three weeks ago. now i know why david looks so elated every day when he walks in the door after 5 pm: there's nothing quite like wells's "I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" face.

seriously. it makes my day. every time. (and yes, on the days i don't go into work, i :might: walk out of the room just to see this expression when i return . . .)

this mom thing? it's oh, so sweeter than i ever thought it could be. ever imagined it would be. . .

i'm seeking the heart of my Father these days, trying to understand His love, why He loves me when i am so unworthy. and now, now that i am a parent myself? it makes crazy sense: more than it ever did before. . .

i am more than blessed to be a member of a church with a seeking heart, one that wants His people to know Him more.

psalm 46:10 was our first memory verse in my Bible study last week:
“Be still, and know that I am God!
    I will be honored by every nation.
    I will be honored throughout the world.”

yes, as Christians, many of us "know" this verse. we "know" what it says. . .

(okay, in case you didn't know this already) i am a HUGE grammar queen. seriously--correct, complex punctuation elates me (no, really: give me a sentence to diagram...).

so, i was pondering this verse alone in the shower (yes, alone being the operative phrase, as wells is usually playing around with me these days--it's just easier this way) and i found myself crying.

Crying over the mere punctuation in this translation: He isn't worried about the future. He knows how it's all going to end. He doesn't have any fears about it. He just wants me, now, as i am, flaws and all. "BE STILL!" is where His excitement lies.

wow.

just wow.

humbled now? yeah, me too.

it makes sense, how this boy of mine lights up when he sees me; how he only wants me at times; how only i can calm him. . .

this is the heart of my Lord--in the flesh--oh mary, how did you ever do this?