mantra, anyone?

"you need a mantra."

i stared at my therapist. huh?

"you spend a lot of time in your head. you need a mantra to refocus."

hmm. okay. makes sense. i guess. so we ran through a few. nothing struck me.

then: "let go or be dragged."

"no."

"why not?"

"i see myself being drug all over the place with that one."

she cocks her head at me.

"yeah, i know. that's the one."

flashback to five years ago, when i heard the same thing: "ever think that you are allowing yourself to be strung along?" ouch. maybe it's just me, but that's a painful reality. nothing hurts more than the truth sometimes.

so, "let go or be dragged" is my new mantra. now, i don't want you to picture me sitting around on a mat, burning incense and chanting (though, some days, that might prove to be helpful...)

for me, the mantra is to help me get back the moment. one of the worst things for me to do when dealing with ED or any other negative stressor is to dwell on it--breath life into it and give it room to grow. it happens--more than i would like to admit.

maybe it sounds crazy: why would i choose to be drug around by negative thoughts? good question. i'd rather not be, but for me, it's my "autopilot:" the route my mind naturally takes. if you actually saw the thought process to get back to what most of you would call "normal," you'd be exhausted.

distractions help. they're a lifesaver some days.

creating gets me out of my head. it's hard to concentrate on irrational thoughts when i'm flattening bottle caps. in fact, using the rubber mallet is quite therapeutic.

here's my newest jewelry adventure: bottle cap pendants. i made this one in honor of my son :)

this is me: refusing to be drug.

run away cats

yes, it's been a while. too long. my apologies.

so, anyway, last week, my cats ran away. both of them. at different times. it was like they were tag teaming my nerves or something.

gabby and tino are indoor cats. mostly because i am overprotective and haven't lived anywhere with a fence until i married david. besides, i want them inside to cuddle with me.

last friday night, my sweet in-laws came over to install the back splash in our kitchen, which means the wet saw was being used, which means the garage was needed, which led to no one thinking about putting up the cat door stopper. oops.

around midnight, david realized gabby was missing, which led to us roaming the streets for her (me, half asleep in my old pink bath robe). no luck. solution? sleep with the garage door up. she'll come home.

and she did. by 5 am, gabby was on the bed meowing. and tino was no where to be found.

i admit it: tino is my favorite. yes, he is BAD, and can be intensely annoying, but he's the sweetest animal i've ever encountered. seriously. he loves to be in my lap on the couch. in the bed, he prefers to be the "little spoon."

so, yes, at this point, i paniced a bit. overall, i did a great job of keeping it together. i just kept reminding myself of how the stress could affect the baby. i tried my best to remain calm. by 9 pm, when i turned off the bedroom light, i was convinced he was gone for good. no amount of roaming the streets, driving around, or calling had produced my cat.

sleep lasted only a few hours. by 11:30, i was sitting outside on the driveway, propped up in david's tailgate chair with a beach towel to ease the chill.

after a short while, i noticed all the cars, mostly with teenage boys or boy/girl combinations, flying down the street. huh?  then it clicked: date night. midnight curfew. beginning of summer--don't blow it.

my hand immediately went to my belly. great. this is what i have to look forward to: waiting up for my son to come home once he's driving on his own. flashback to my own mother waiting for me in high school. big sigh.

then, mild panic: if i am this saddened by my cat running away, what would i ever do if my CHILD did this? panic: or if he was taken from me? i immediately began to think of all the stories of lost children--how in the world did those mothers go on every day, not knowing, wondering, worrying, panicking? enter massive panic. sobbing. over my run away cat and unborn missing child. thank you, hormones.

reflecting a week later, i'm still trying to see what i can learn from the experience. my conclusion? i need to trust more. i need to trust that there is always a bigger picture. the hardest part is accepting that it might not ever be revealed to me.

after searching for a verse to help me believe and learn to trust, i've settled on this one:

Isaiah 12:2: " Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense;  he has become my salvation. ”

i've had several moments of panic and sheer terror since finding out i was pregnant. from small incidents to letting my worries get the best of me, it's been an up and down experience so far (more up than down, but still...). developing a greater sense of trust will  help me get through the next few months, and, more importantly, the rest of my life as a mother. because it never ends, this parent gig. i've always known that, but am now beginning to understand it intimately.

thankfully, this small misadventure had a happy ending: at 12:45 am, sleepless, i decided to lie across the spare room bed, where i could see the cat door and most likely hear it opening. a little orange head popped through at 1:49 am.

my little spoon :)