dear me...

i saw this blog post by Today's Parent on twitter friday morning. it got me thinking about my 12-year-old self. wow, the differences between how i remember feeling and what i remember upon deeper reflection. let me explain:

my 12-year-old perspective of myself at 12 years old

• my thighs are so much bigger than everyone else in dance class.
• i have to be a "base" in cheerleading because i'm too fat to be a "flyer."
• if only i could buy my clothes at "xyz" store, maybe i'd be more popular.
• the girls on my cheerleading squad don't like me because i don't go to their school.
• mom says boys like me, but are intimidated by my being smart.
• i hate being labeled "smart"
• i have to make straight As. no exceptions.
• i need to be perfect.

yikes. it still saddens me to reflect.

what i wish this 12-year-old girl only knew

• you will fail in life. and you will survive.
• you are not defined by your body shape or size.
• popularity has nothing to do with material possessions or location. if it does, you don't want to associate with those people anyway.
• your gpa will only get you so far. your future employers have no interest in it.
• being "labeled smart" isn't a bad thing. it gives you respect in many cases.
• perfection is unattainable.

(yeah, that last one is still a daily reminder, even at 31.)

• oh, one more thing: in about two years you will meet the love of your life. definitely something to get excited about.

the good part of all this? it's the past. it is does not have to be the future. every day is a new opportunity to live, love and hope.

for many reasons, i'm glad my first child is a boy. i pray that wells will be spared the plagues of body image issues and mental illness.

accepting my changing body has been a challenge. some days more than others. i rely on information about health and this process to keep me focused. (and the fact that my husband can't take his eyes off me and always wants to touch me--while at times a nuisance--doesn't hurt.)

it helps to focus on the truth, what i know to be absolute:

"Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD; the fruit of the womb is a reward." Psalm 127:3

little things

it takes very little for me to get slightly wound up, in general.

case in point-- conversation between hubby and me driving down highway 280:

me: "so, honestly, driving in the center lane and seeing cars drive past you on both sides doesn't bother you at all? doesn't make you want to immediately change lanes?"

hubby: "no. i mean, i see them, but i'm fine right here."

me: "wow. that must be nice."

it's so easy to forget the little things. the small parts of every day that make me smile. being a pessimist at heart, i have to work to focus on the positive, especially when things get rough.

but, i think pregnancy is helping to change my perspective. my focus has most definitely shifted to be more in tune with daily events instead of generally worrying about what may or may not happen in the future. it used to be a lot easier to look over the details of every day. i now find myself noticing the details in everyday life that i used to take for granted, or, at the very least, ignore.

like david's laughter.

my husband has the most intoxicating laugh. seriously. one of the earliest indications that i knew i would fall in love with him? he laughed, OUT LOUD, during an episode of the golden girls (that i made him watch with me).

not too long ago, we were talking about something and i noticed david's laugh again. i found myself thinking, "i certainly hope wells has his father's sense of humor. i wonder if his laugh will sound the same." i'm sure you can only imagine the huge smile that came to my face.

i'm trying to take it day by day. hour by hour. some days, minute by minute. i'm learning to focus on the small things.

like baby flutters. the first kick. the first set of hiccups. the expression on david's face the first time he felt wells move inside of me.

yes, on the tough days, these are the little things that make everything okay.