guess what? last night i slept in my own bed. all. night. long.
this is huge.
the last time that happened was most likely sometime in early december 2014.
sure, there was a munchkin up against me, but it happened.
let me back up.
hi! it's me. i'm back. haven't posted any "creations" in a while, but life, as it tends to, got in the way. wait, backtrack. there was a creation. the newest munchkin.
yes, he decided to arrive christmas eve morning. kept me up for nearly two days in the process (but that's a different post).
so yes, i slept in my own bed last night. it's amazing how much i take for granted (like the fact that i even have said bed, regardless of how often i get to frequent it). it's also a reminder of what it means to be a mother.
many times, it means giving something up for the little one: sleep. my bed (traded for the nursery recliner). hot food. sitting down. arms that aren't aching from cradling the little one. general comfort. it's stuff that we do without even debating. because that's what mothers do.
on days like yesterday, when hubby comes home to find the littlest one crying and the older one and mommy in pjs already (because mommy, he and the floor were covered in chocolate cookie puke thirty minutes before), it's hard to feel successful and content sometimes. amidst the subsequent laundry and mopping and attempts to (unsuccessfully) get big brother to cooperate while i try to nurse the munchkin, failure is usually at the forefront of my mind.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Monday, January 13, 2014
growing. in awe. complete awe.
i have a 15 month old son. who is wild. running around. pointing to everything he wants named. literally wakes up in the crib pointing. is trying his best to communicate. is testing limits. is remembering conversations. who loves to touch his hair on command. who loves to have his hair blown as i am blowdrying my own. who points to every "light" and "hat" he sees.
and who constantly amazes me. amazes and humbles me to my core.
i have been rightly limited in my experiences. to see he who is excited by a cup of milk. a hug. the stacking of blocks. the splashing of water. the blow of bubbles. the spoonful of yogurt. the joy of a shower. the freedom of running through the yard.
oh wells, how much you may try me, how much you have grounded me.
to see through innocent eyes the wonders of every day. (to experience the world without any expectations. to see a flow of bubbles for the "upteenth" time and still exclaim, with arms open wide and pure amazement on my face, "OOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!)
yes, i envy my son. the complete "unjadedness" (yes, that's my own word) of his small 15 months. to not really have a care in this world...how great that must be...
but, as i was reminded this sunday:
2 Dear brothers and sisters,[a] when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.
joy. true joy. wow. a hard concept but what a blessing it could be...
oh my, how greatly my Lord knows me. HE knows the struggles of full-time motherhood. HE loves me-- to show me the word "grow" here once again... i stand in awe. complete awe.
and who constantly amazes me. amazes and humbles me to my core.
i have been rightly limited in my experiences. to see he who is excited by a cup of milk. a hug. the stacking of blocks. the splashing of water. the blow of bubbles. the spoonful of yogurt. the joy of a shower. the freedom of running through the yard.
oh wells, how much you may try me, how much you have grounded me.
to see through innocent eyes the wonders of every day. (to experience the world without any expectations. to see a flow of bubbles for the "upteenth" time and still exclaim, with arms open wide and pure amazement on my face, "OOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!)
yes, i envy my son. the complete "unjadedness" (yes, that's my own word) of his small 15 months. to not really have a care in this world...how great that must be...
but, as i was reminded this sunday:
2 Dear brothers and sisters,[a] when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.
joy. true joy. wow. a hard concept but what a blessing it could be...
oh my, how greatly my Lord knows me. HE knows the struggles of full-time motherhood. HE loves me-- to show me the word "grow" here once again... i stand in awe. complete awe.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
grow.
grow. this is my word for 2014.
i want growth. i want to grow. i want my son to grow. i want my husband to grow. i want my marriage to grow. and, yes, i want my family to grow.
i read this incredible blog post on wednesday and knew i needed to be a part of it.
in true kimberly style, i could not narrow it down to just one verse on which to meditate. then, in overachiever VERY TRUE kimberly style, i felt the need to apply the concept to me and david too. yes, all three of us with a verse. well, yes, as you can imagine, i found two for each of us (i can't help it: i am HORRIBLE with choices. i don't think it's such a bad thing--most of the time).
so (drum roll, please) here they are:
Wells
Psalm 111:10
Proverbs 15:32
as we enter the toddler years, this seems to be VERY appropriate. . .
David
Romans 1:11
2 Peter 1:2
Me
Isaiah 40:31
i want growth. i want to grow. i want my son to grow. i want my husband to grow. i want my marriage to grow. and, yes, i want my family to grow.
i read this incredible blog post on wednesday and knew i needed to be a part of it.
in true kimberly style, i could not narrow it down to just one verse on which to meditate. then, in overachiever VERY TRUE kimberly style, i felt the need to apply the concept to me and david too. yes, all three of us with a verse. well, yes, as you can imagine, i found two for each of us (i can't help it: i am HORRIBLE with choices. i don't think it's such a bad thing--most of the time).
so (drum roll, please) here they are:
Wells
Psalm 111:10
Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true wisdom. All who obey his commandments will grow in wisdom. Praise him forever!
Proverbs 15:32
If you reject discipline, you only harm yourself; but if you listen to correction, you grow in understanding.
as we enter the toddler years, this seems to be VERY appropriate. . .
David
Romans 1:11
For I long to visit you so I can bring you some spiritual gift that will help you grow strong in the Lord.
May God give you more and more grace and peace as you grow in your knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord.
i want my husband to have peace and focus on his gift, to hone in on it.
Isaiah 40:31
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.
Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.
i need strength. strength to believe in myself. and thankfulness. yes, thankfulness to keep me grounded. and positive. and present.
in addition, i have accepted ann's challenge. i am filling my blessings jar (Jeremiah 17:7) with "gift slips" according to her calendar (i failed miserable last year and want MORE in 2014). will you do the same? please?
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
yes, the sentimental new year's eve post
2013: my, what a year you have been.
there have been smiles, and laughter, and tears, and "why, God, WHYs?," and no's, and YES'S, and "are you KIDDING ME?s" and so much more i can't even begin to verbalize them.
there have been good choices i've made. and bad ones. here, on this last day of the year, i could choose to hone in on those negative things, but tonight? oh tonight...i am choosing to see the good.
my son in thriving. he is ALL OVER THE PLACE ALL THE TIME, when this ability was questioned in mid February. yes, i was told he needed to stop nursing and i should only pump and formula feed the rest. Recommendation denied. Today, yes, today, at 14 1/2 months, my son eats plenty of solid foods and still wants to nurse at my breast 3-5 times a day. proof to go with a mother's instinct. and yes, i know this exasperates some of you, nauseates some of you, but, you know what? I. Don't. Care.
and that alone says a lot.
for so many years i wanted to "go with the flow;" to not "rock the boat."
oops. not any more.
2014: please be the year that i completely get out of my comfort zone.
my Jesus was not afraid to speak the truth. i want to be the same.
i HATE new year's resolutions. i am such a perfectionist that simply setting goals creates anxiety that i will not be able to attain them. that i will spend too much time wallowing in my failure. (ugh, i know. welcome to my world.)
instead, this year, i am committing to trying harder. and better. and with more effort. or whatever this encompasses.
i do not want 2014 to look like 2013. i want more. jesus wants more. my husband wants more. my son wants more. I WANT MORE.
yes, I. I WANT MORE. this is the first time in over a decade that I have said this. I. WANT. MORE.
I. NEED. MORE. (and, for the first time in many, many years, i believe it. FULLY believe it.)
my world is wonderful. so amazing. yet, i know there is room for so much more. oooohhhh, so much more. so much hope for the weary that i can't even imagine it. and that is where i am; that is where my GOD is meeting me. to be my HEALER, my PROVIDER. just those thoughts alone is mind boggling, but, oh, how excited I am!
dear LORD, grant me peace, and grace, and mercy, and unconditional LOVE in 2014--for without it, i. am. nothing. absolutely NOTHING.
there have been smiles, and laughter, and tears, and "why, God, WHYs?," and no's, and YES'S, and "are you KIDDING ME?s" and so much more i can't even begin to verbalize them.
there have been good choices i've made. and bad ones. here, on this last day of the year, i could choose to hone in on those negative things, but tonight? oh tonight...i am choosing to see the good.
my son in thriving. he is ALL OVER THE PLACE ALL THE TIME, when this ability was questioned in mid February. yes, i was told he needed to stop nursing and i should only pump and formula feed the rest. Recommendation denied. Today, yes, today, at 14 1/2 months, my son eats plenty of solid foods and still wants to nurse at my breast 3-5 times a day. proof to go with a mother's instinct. and yes, i know this exasperates some of you, nauseates some of you, but, you know what? I. Don't. Care.
and that alone says a lot.
for so many years i wanted to "go with the flow;" to not "rock the boat."
oops. not any more.
2014: please be the year that i completely get out of my comfort zone.
my Jesus was not afraid to speak the truth. i want to be the same.
i HATE new year's resolutions. i am such a perfectionist that simply setting goals creates anxiety that i will not be able to attain them. that i will spend too much time wallowing in my failure. (ugh, i know. welcome to my world.)
instead, this year, i am committing to trying harder. and better. and with more effort. or whatever this encompasses.
i do not want 2014 to look like 2013. i want more. jesus wants more. my husband wants more. my son wants more. I WANT MORE.
yes, I. I WANT MORE. this is the first time in over a decade that I have said this. I. WANT. MORE.
I. NEED. MORE. (and, for the first time in many, many years, i believe it. FULLY believe it.)
my world is wonderful. so amazing. yet, i know there is room for so much more. oooohhhh, so much more. so much hope for the weary that i can't even imagine it. and that is where i am; that is where my GOD is meeting me. to be my HEALER, my PROVIDER. just those thoughts alone is mind boggling, but, oh, how excited I am!
dear LORD, grant me peace, and grace, and mercy, and unconditional LOVE in 2014--for without it, i. am. nothing. absolutely NOTHING.
Friday, October 4, 2013
nine days til one year
one year old. one YEAR old.
no more only referring to wells as ___ months old. one year. one YEAR. really? already?
it seems like only a short time ago i was freaking out about the reality of going into labor. (dear pregnant kimberly: labor is nothing compared to the first six months with a reflux baby. love, mommy kimberly)
today, i held my baby's hand on the same railroad tracks where his daddy and i held each other and smiled for mari's camera on our wedding day. today, he laughed and babbled and crawled and stood there before us--when only a year ago he barely opened his eyes to squint at us.
ONE YEAR. i cannot believe it.
it's all happened so fast, this year of ours, our family of three. and yet, it feels like it's always been this way. neither of us can imagine life without our precious baby boy.
today, he took nine well balanced steps at home (possibly due to the sugar high from the colossal cookies and cream cupcake he tore into). today, my soon-to-be "big boy" still nursed to snuggle and comfort himself when he was overwhelmed.
how do i feel? hard to say. i loved his photo session. seeing him so healthy and happy--it's every mommy's dream. but now, after he's gone to sleep, reality has started to set in.
it's bittersweet. and exciting. and scary. and a bit sad. all at the same time. does that make sense?
i wonder. i wonder who he will be in the next ten years: will he be an introverted planner like me, needing time alone to recharge? will he be spontaneous like david, always ready to do something at a moment's notice?
as we draw near to the end of this first year, i can't help but thank my God. for my family, my son, my husband, my life--a life i once thought didn't have much to offer. . . to anyone, much less myself.
i am blessed. and blessed and blessed and blessed. and happy, oh-so-very-happy!
i adore my son, his innocence, his purity, his devotion to us. . .
at this age, he is the essence of Matthew 19:14:
"But Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.”
no more only referring to wells as ___ months old. one year. one YEAR. really? already?
it seems like only a short time ago i was freaking out about the reality of going into labor. (dear pregnant kimberly: labor is nothing compared to the first six months with a reflux baby. love, mommy kimberly)
today, i held my baby's hand on the same railroad tracks where his daddy and i held each other and smiled for mari's camera on our wedding day. today, he laughed and babbled and crawled and stood there before us--when only a year ago he barely opened his eyes to squint at us.
ONE YEAR. i cannot believe it.
it's all happened so fast, this year of ours, our family of three. and yet, it feels like it's always been this way. neither of us can imagine life without our precious baby boy.
today, he took nine well balanced steps at home (possibly due to the sugar high from the colossal cookies and cream cupcake he tore into). today, my soon-to-be "big boy" still nursed to snuggle and comfort himself when he was overwhelmed.
how do i feel? hard to say. i loved his photo session. seeing him so healthy and happy--it's every mommy's dream. but now, after he's gone to sleep, reality has started to set in.
it's bittersweet. and exciting. and scary. and a bit sad. all at the same time. does that make sense?
i wonder. i wonder who he will be in the next ten years: will he be an introverted planner like me, needing time alone to recharge? will he be spontaneous like david, always ready to do something at a moment's notice?
as we draw near to the end of this first year, i can't help but thank my God. for my family, my son, my husband, my life--a life i once thought didn't have much to offer. . . to anyone, much less myself.
i am blessed. and blessed and blessed and blessed. and happy, oh-so-very-happy!
i adore my son, his innocence, his purity, his devotion to us. . .
at this age, he is the essence of Matthew 19:14:
"But Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.”
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
waves
sweet sunshine. beautiful day. happy little family.
that was us thursday of last week at the state park in destin, fl. i had almost forgotten how gorgeous and peaceful the gulf coast can be (skip the condo. get a room in a hotel and drive to henderson state park--clean, serene, and (in september) not the least bit crowded).
it was so nice to get away with my two loves, to just be our little family on vacation.
as david read and i nursed wells, i couldn't help but think about how great life can be. i had to stop and pray--thank my LORD for all that he has done and will do.
really--the same LORD who created us also designed a speck of flawless white sand for this beach? designed this sea with its vast greatness and numerous lifeforms? just knowing that the waves can change from day to day (much less hour to hour, minute to minute, second to second) must speak to something greater than us, right?
sitting there, cuddling my baby boy, watching my devoted husband, i found myself overwhelmed by the goodness and greatness of my GOD.
psalm 107:1, 29-30
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.
29 He calmed the storm to a whisper
and stilled the waves.
What a blessing was that stillness
as he brought them safely into harbor!
what a perfect picture of His power: to speak and calm the sea. i will never do anything on my own. help me to stop trying.
.JPG)
that was us thursday of last week at the state park in destin, fl. i had almost forgotten how gorgeous and peaceful the gulf coast can be (skip the condo. get a room in a hotel and drive to henderson state park--clean, serene, and (in september) not the least bit crowded).
it was so nice to get away with my two loves, to just be our little family on vacation.
as david read and i nursed wells, i couldn't help but think about how great life can be. i had to stop and pray--thank my LORD for all that he has done and will do.
really--the same LORD who created us also designed a speck of flawless white sand for this beach? designed this sea with its vast greatness and numerous lifeforms? just knowing that the waves can change from day to day (much less hour to hour, minute to minute, second to second) must speak to something greater than us, right?
sitting there, cuddling my baby boy, watching my devoted husband, i found myself overwhelmed by the goodness and greatness of my GOD.
psalm 107:1, 29-30
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.
29 He calmed the storm to a whisper
and stilled the waves.
What a blessing was that stillness
as he brought them safely into harbor!
what a perfect picture of His power: to speak and calm the sea. i will never do anything on my own. help me to stop trying.
.JPG)
Saturday, September 7, 2013
being still. . .
hi. it's me. yeah, it's been a while...
life got busy. no, make that, baby got BUSY! super busy. he's all over the place. all the time. and still hates to nap.
and i love him so much it hurts.
the few times he has slept through the night, i don't. i wake up, grab the monitor. has he moved since i last looked? i'm so terrified of seeing him in the same position. i can't enjoy this "sleeping through the night."not now. not yet.
the truth? i prefer hearing him whining around 3 am.
this i know. this is my new normal.
i go into the nursery, pick up my sleepy boy...settle into the oh so comfortable, overpriced but worth EVERY penny glider--thank you gigi and pawpaw.
sweet baby nurses. all is right in the world.
i think about how hard this was six months ago, what a chore it seemed like then. it's so easy now. i think about him weaning himself in the future. i sob, yes, uncontrollable crying in the rare moments i'm alone in my house. i do not want this to end. i know it will, that it should. but still. . .
this is the only snuggling i get. will he completely want to stop being held after he's weaned?
can i handle that?
most days, i think not.
this mom thing? it's way harder that it seems.
the abstract concept of being a parent, of completely trying to devote yourself to another life? so much easier than the reality: it's exhausting and difficult and hard. and so sweet. so very sweet i can barely go a day without pressing my boy close to me and fighting back the tears. . .
i want him to grow, to be strong and smart and big. but, at the same time, i don't want any of this. i want him to stay around 16 pounds and under 30 inches, not walking, BIG smile every time he sees me.
i started working, just barley part time, three weeks ago. now i know why david looks so elated every day when he walks in the door after 5 pm: there's nothing quite like wells's "I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" face.
seriously. it makes my day. every time. (and yes, on the days i don't go into work, i :might: walk out of the room just to see this expression when i return . . .)
this mom thing? it's oh, so sweeter than i ever thought it could be. ever imagined it would be. . .
i'm seeking the heart of my Father these days, trying to understand His love, why He loves me when i am so unworthy. and now, now that i am a parent myself? it makes crazy sense: more than it ever did before. . .
i am more than blessed to be a member of a church with a seeking heart, one that wants His people to know Him more.
psalm 46:10 was our first memory verse in my Bible study last week:
“Be still, and know that I am God!
I will be honored by every nation.
I will be honored throughout the world.”
yes, as Christians, many of us "know" this verse. we "know" what it says. . .
(okay, in case you didn't know this already) i am a HUGE grammar queen. seriously--correct, complex punctuation elates me (no, really: give me a sentence to diagram...).
so, i was pondering this verse alone in the shower (yes, alone being the operative phrase, as wells is usually playing around with me these days--it's just easier this way) and i found myself crying.
Crying over the mere punctuation in this translation: He isn't worried about the future. He knows how it's all going to end. He doesn't have any fears about it. He just wants me, now, as i am, flaws and all. "BE STILL!" is where His excitement lies.
wow.
just wow.
humbled now? yeah, me too.
it makes sense, how this boy of mine lights up when he sees me; how he only wants me at times; how only i can calm him. . .
this is the heart of my Lord--in the flesh--oh mary, how did you ever do this?
life got busy. no, make that, baby got BUSY! super busy. he's all over the place. all the time. and still hates to nap.
and i love him so much it hurts.
the few times he has slept through the night, i don't. i wake up, grab the monitor. has he moved since i last looked? i'm so terrified of seeing him in the same position. i can't enjoy this "sleeping through the night."not now. not yet.
the truth? i prefer hearing him whining around 3 am.
this i know. this is my new normal.
i go into the nursery, pick up my sleepy boy...settle into the oh so comfortable, overpriced but worth EVERY penny glider--thank you gigi and pawpaw.
sweet baby nurses. all is right in the world.
i think about how hard this was six months ago, what a chore it seemed like then. it's so easy now. i think about him weaning himself in the future. i sob, yes, uncontrollable crying in the rare moments i'm alone in my house. i do not want this to end. i know it will, that it should. but still. . .
this is the only snuggling i get. will he completely want to stop being held after he's weaned?
can i handle that?
most days, i think not.
this mom thing? it's way harder that it seems.
the abstract concept of being a parent, of completely trying to devote yourself to another life? so much easier than the reality: it's exhausting and difficult and hard. and so sweet. so very sweet i can barely go a day without pressing my boy close to me and fighting back the tears. . .
i want him to grow, to be strong and smart and big. but, at the same time, i don't want any of this. i want him to stay around 16 pounds and under 30 inches, not walking, BIG smile every time he sees me.
i started working, just barley part time, three weeks ago. now i know why david looks so elated every day when he walks in the door after 5 pm: there's nothing quite like wells's "I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" face.
seriously. it makes my day. every time. (and yes, on the days i don't go into work, i :might: walk out of the room just to see this expression when i return . . .)
this mom thing? it's oh, so sweeter than i ever thought it could be. ever imagined it would be. . .
i'm seeking the heart of my Father these days, trying to understand His love, why He loves me when i am so unworthy. and now, now that i am a parent myself? it makes crazy sense: more than it ever did before. . .
i am more than blessed to be a member of a church with a seeking heart, one that wants His people to know Him more.
psalm 46:10 was our first memory verse in my Bible study last week:
“Be still, and know that I am God!
I will be honored by every nation.
I will be honored throughout the world.”
yes, as Christians, many of us "know" this verse. we "know" what it says. . .
(okay, in case you didn't know this already) i am a HUGE grammar queen. seriously--correct, complex punctuation elates me (no, really: give me a sentence to diagram...).
so, i was pondering this verse alone in the shower (yes, alone being the operative phrase, as wells is usually playing around with me these days--it's just easier this way) and i found myself crying.
Crying over the mere punctuation in this translation: He isn't worried about the future. He knows how it's all going to end. He doesn't have any fears about it. He just wants me, now, as i am, flaws and all. "BE STILL!" is where His excitement lies.
wow.
just wow.
humbled now? yeah, me too.
it makes sense, how this boy of mine lights up when he sees me; how he only wants me at times; how only i can calm him. . .
this is the heart of my Lord--in the flesh--oh mary, how did you ever do this?
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
warning: rant.
anyone else sick of the lack of common courtesy these days, or is it just me?
as a professional, it would not even occur to me to just "show up" and expect someone to be ready, willing and excited to see you at her door. no, my mother raised me better than that.
is it really too much to ask for service professionals WHO HAVE YOUR CONTACT INFORMATION to actually use it?
yes, i am now a SAHM. no, this does not mean that i sit around all day as time slowly ticks by as i prop my feet up eating bon bons and watching daytime television. (seriously, daytime television is crap.)
i have a high needs 4.5 month old infant with severe reflux. what does this mean? it means most of my day is spent doing the following:
at some point, the child does fall asleep from pure exhaustion. this is when i take care of my house instead of my child with chores such as mopping up spit up residue.
when you choose THAT MOMENT to ring my doorbell and expect to track in dirt and grout dust, do not be surprised if i eventually go hood rat/trailor trash on you.
that is all.
{breath}
as a professional, it would not even occur to me to just "show up" and expect someone to be ready, willing and excited to see you at her door. no, my mother raised me better than that.
is it really too much to ask for service professionals WHO HAVE YOUR CONTACT INFORMATION to actually use it?
yes, i am now a SAHM. no, this does not mean that i sit around all day as time slowly ticks by as i prop my feet up eating bon bons and watching daytime television. (seriously, daytime television is crap.)
i have a high needs 4.5 month old infant with severe reflux. what does this mean? it means most of my day is spent doing the following:
- changing diapers
- cleaning up spit up
- fixing a formula bottle to supplement feedings
- cleaning up spit up
- breast feeding
- cleaning up spit up
- playing with my baby
- cleaning up spit up
- trying to calm baby down to sleep
- cleaning up spit up
- trying to convince baby that it is okay if i am not holding him
- cleaning up spit up
- toting baby around and attempting one handed tasks
- cleaning up spit up
- washing bottles
- cleaning up spit up
at some point, the child does fall asleep from pure exhaustion. this is when i take care of my house instead of my child with chores such as mopping up spit up residue.
when you choose THAT MOMENT to ring my doorbell and expect to track in dirt and grout dust, do not be surprised if i eventually go hood rat/trailor trash on you.
that is all.
{breath}
Monday, February 4, 2013
thanks, but no thanks
to all the strangers who have given unsolicited mommy advice and/or comments: this is for you.
old lady in target: "what a sweet baby! how old?"
me: "he's 14 weeks."
old lady in target: "what are you doing out here with him?????"
me: "he likes the new scenery."
me, in my head: "i don't remember asking your opinion."
-------------------------
old lady in Kroger parking lot: "what a sweetie! oh, you have him out here...is he warm enough???? it's chilly out here!"
me: "he's just fine...has on long pjs and is wrapped up against me." (moby wrap)
me, in my head: "i don't remember asking your opinion."
-------------------------
old lady in CVS: "OH! What a pretty baby! Is it a boy or a girl?"
me: "boy."
old lady in CVS: "Well, he's just so pretty to be a boy!"
me: :crickets: ::smile::
Me, in my head: "i don't remember asking your opinion."
--------------------------
cashier at Earth Fare: "Ah! He's so tiny and cute! How old is he?"
me: "16 weeks."
cashier at Earth Fare: "Oh! I have one the same age at home." she looks me over. "he's not sleeping, is he?"
me: "no, not much. he fights it."
cashier at Earth Fare: "Not even at night?"
me: "no, not so much just yet."
cashier at Earth Fare: "Oh, well, mine sleeps like 12 hours through the night...shouldn't he?"
me: :shoulder shrug:
me, in my head: "i don't remember asking your opinion. also, i hate you."
old lady in target: "what a sweet baby! how old?"
me: "he's 14 weeks."
old lady in target: "what are you doing out here with him?????"
me: "he likes the new scenery."
me, in my head: "i don't remember asking your opinion."
-------------------------
old lady in Kroger parking lot: "what a sweetie! oh, you have him out here...is he warm enough???? it's chilly out here!"
me: "he's just fine...has on long pjs and is wrapped up against me." (moby wrap)
me, in my head: "i don't remember asking your opinion."
-------------------------
old lady in CVS: "OH! What a pretty baby! Is it a boy or a girl?"
me: "boy."
old lady in CVS: "Well, he's just so pretty to be a boy!"
me: :crickets: ::smile::
Me, in my head: "i don't remember asking your opinion."
--------------------------
cashier at Earth Fare: "Ah! He's so tiny and cute! How old is he?"
me: "16 weeks."
cashier at Earth Fare: "Oh! I have one the same age at home." she looks me over. "he's not sleeping, is he?"
me: "no, not much. he fights it."
cashier at Earth Fare: "Not even at night?"
me: "no, not so much just yet."
cashier at Earth Fare: "Oh, well, mine sleeps like 12 hours through the night...shouldn't he?"
me: :shoulder shrug:
me, in my head: "i don't remember asking your opinion. also, i hate you."
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
screaming.
wells is 14 weeks old. three months, two weeks. and we can't imagine life without him. funny how a tiny being that weighs less than ten pounds can rock your entire world, huh?
he's so alert, this child of mine. it frustrates me to no end, but shouldn't surprise me. i can't turn it off myself. why do I expect him to be able to do it so easily? :sigh.:
"i love you, little man." daddy hovers over you. not caring about the stress you produce. longing to simply hear an "oh" out of you....
and it's so easy, this parent-child relationship. wells can spit up, poop, pee, scream at us...but, it doesn't matter: we love him because he is a part of us. and isn't that how God sees us? why is it so hard for me to accept?
i don't have the answer. not yet; maybe not ever.
what i do know is this: at these times, my strong boy seems completely inconsolable. rigid. irate. stiff. unyielding. but after just a few "drinks" from me he is calm. peaceful.
THIS is what i want. crave. need to accept: oh, that i may soon drink of peace...and live in calm.
Zephaniah 3:17
"For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears.[a] He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”
he's so alert, this child of mine. it frustrates me to no end, but shouldn't surprise me. i can't turn it off myself. why do I expect him to be able to do it so easily? :sigh.:
"i love you, little man." daddy hovers over you. not caring about the stress you produce. longing to simply hear an "oh" out of you....
and it's so easy, this parent-child relationship. wells can spit up, poop, pee, scream at us...but, it doesn't matter: we love him because he is a part of us. and isn't that how God sees us? why is it so hard for me to accept?
i don't have the answer. not yet; maybe not ever.
what i do know is this: at these times, my strong boy seems completely inconsolable. rigid. irate. stiff. unyielding. but after just a few "drinks" from me he is calm. peaceful.
THIS is what i want. crave. need to accept: oh, that i may soon drink of peace...and live in calm.
Zephaniah 3:17
"For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears.[a] He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
i hate naming posts
it's january. 2013.
wow.
i feel like Wells just arrived yesterday, but it's almost been three months now.
must be the severe lack of quality sleep. and the fact that i think i have exactly 5 brain cells left, which take turns "working" as best they can each day. ::sigh::
this mommy gig? yeah, the hardest thing i've ever done, by far. it never ceases to amaze me that it can be simultaneously rewarding and terribly trying at the same time.
there are days when i want to run. away. far, far away (no pun intended). spend an entire 24 hours to myself? bliss. but, not an option at this point.
i know i will look back at this point in a few years and smile. knowing that it was all worth it. (for those of you who don't know, i'm a strong supporter of breastfeeding exclusively for the first six months, if possible). (please note: i am well aware that every mother is entitled to her own opinion, as influenced by her and her family's needs and beliefs. this is not a post to persuade/impose my own theories on anyone. spare me this in the comments, please.)
but there are days that i have to constantly remind myself that it will get better. one day. soon, hopefully...
until then, i must try to focus on the positive aspects of motherhood; the small moments that can so easily get overlooked in the day-to-day constant struggles. as it is, i am an extremely visual person (yes, i am the one who hates to see the movie after i read the book mainly because it doesn't look like i pictured as i enjoyed reading it...--not to mention the stupid plot changes, but that's a completely different rant...). so, a few days ago, i decided to create something to help me with this task:
this
became this
yes, my goal is to record something, no matter how small it may be, that makes me smile every day (or, every day i actually remember to write it down...missed two thus far...sigh...) ...particularly those related to great challenges (hence, many blessings will refer to my precious baby boy). my daily devotion from proverbs 31 ministries today was this (i am constantly in awe of how the Lord can draw me in when i allow Him to do so):
"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2
on the hard days, it will serve as a reminder that every day has positive aspects: blessings to be forever thankful for and appreciated.
i've also been seeking one word to pray, search and meditate on this year. i have a strong feeling as to what it shall be, but will save it for a (sooner, rather than) later post. :)
here's to a joyful 2013: may your blessings be too many to count and contain!
wow.
i feel like Wells just arrived yesterday, but it's almost been three months now.
must be the severe lack of quality sleep. and the fact that i think i have exactly 5 brain cells left, which take turns "working" as best they can each day. ::sigh::
this mommy gig? yeah, the hardest thing i've ever done, by far. it never ceases to amaze me that it can be simultaneously rewarding and terribly trying at the same time.
there are days when i want to run. away. far, far away (no pun intended). spend an entire 24 hours to myself? bliss. but, not an option at this point.
i know i will look back at this point in a few years and smile. knowing that it was all worth it. (for those of you who don't know, i'm a strong supporter of breastfeeding exclusively for the first six months, if possible). (please note: i am well aware that every mother is entitled to her own opinion, as influenced by her and her family's needs and beliefs. this is not a post to persuade/impose my own theories on anyone. spare me this in the comments, please.)
but there are days that i have to constantly remind myself that it will get better. one day. soon, hopefully...
until then, i must try to focus on the positive aspects of motherhood; the small moments that can so easily get overlooked in the day-to-day constant struggles. as it is, i am an extremely visual person (yes, i am the one who hates to see the movie after i read the book mainly because it doesn't look like i pictured as i enjoyed reading it...--not to mention the stupid plot changes, but that's a completely different rant...). so, a few days ago, i decided to create something to help me with this task:
this
became this
yes, my goal is to record something, no matter how small it may be, that makes me smile every day (or, every day i actually remember to write it down...missed two thus far...sigh...) ...particularly those related to great challenges (hence, many blessings will refer to my precious baby boy). my daily devotion from proverbs 31 ministries today was this (i am constantly in awe of how the Lord can draw me in when i allow Him to do so):
"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:2
on the hard days, it will serve as a reminder that every day has positive aspects: blessings to be forever thankful for and appreciated.
i've also been seeking one word to pray, search and meditate on this year. i have a strong feeling as to what it shall be, but will save it for a (sooner, rather than) later post. :)
here's to a joyful 2013: may your blessings be too many to count and contain!
Monday, October 22, 2012
unexpected
friday, october 12, 2012
1:30 pm
i am exhausted. and hungry. and sleepy. but the house is clean.
my sister will be here soon. she is spending the night. i have a baby shower tomorrow.
david is home from work. we lie across the bed, remark about how tired we are. and hungry. nothing in our house sounds good. olive garden it is.
my gas light is on. we take separate cars so i can fill up before lindsey gets here. sisters always go out shopping, even if it is just to use up a bit of store credit.
soup, salad and breadsticks for me. panini and soup for him. the waitress messes up his order. twice. we laugh about it. they must be out of mints-none came with our check. i save the receipt. one day i will win a customer service drawing.
3:15 pm
do do do. do do da do do do. do do do. dodo da dod do do.
not going to get that one. i'll check lindsey's voicemail in a second, seeing as how i'm currently "unavailable."
hmm. that's strange. what is that on the floor in here? the cottage walk bathroom is usually very clean.
small gasp. could it be? no. i'm barely 38 weeks. with my luck i'll certainly be a week overdue.
hmm. slight panic. still not convinced. i'm not in any pain.
i give nancy my check for my sam's membership. casually ask about her water breaking.
she panics. do i need to drive you home? you need to go home. to the hospital.
nah, i'm sure it's a false alarm. i only live a few miles away. i'm fine. besides, this looked more like what you see in the movies. everyone says it really isn't like that at all. i'm fine.
3:35 pm
stupid book. why isn't there a separate section, one that is printed on yellow pages or something that says, your water may have broken if. . .
i hand the book to david. find that part. call lee ob, he says. they closed at noon. the recording says to call labor and delivery.
i don't want to. if i do, it will be real. i'm not ready. i'm terrified.
my sister is here. don't tell her. not yet. stall her.
the call drops a minute into it. i call back. come on in, says the nurse.
lindsey, we aren't going shopping.
4:45 pm
i have convinced not one, but two nurses that i am not a victim of domestic violence. no, those aren't marks from physical acts. i'm the idiot who collected some poison ivy while attempting a pinterest project. 37 weeks pregnant and highly allergic.
so, this is what it's like to be in a labor and delivery room. david is here. lindsey is on the couch. grandparents have been called. the frenzy has begun.
contractions aren't fun, not by any means. why are they coming so intensely? and so quickly? aren't first babies usually long labors?
suddenly it is awful. the worst feeling i have ever had. i'm far enough along to get the epidural. sweet, sweet relief.
the grandparents stop by to check in.
and now the nurses want me to relax. i can barely move so that isn't terribly difficult. sleep will not come. i feel short of breath. the medication is too much.
the cosby show is on. neither david nor i are watching. he piddles on his ipad, looking over at me all the time. i look around. doze off for a few minutes at a time every now and then.
11:15 pm
okay, i'm going to get the table ready.
what? are you kidding me? already? that cannot be right. the doctor estimated anytime between midnight and 6 am. i was betting 6 am.
david kisses me. tells me i'm doing great. i can barely feel anything. am i pushing too much? too little? i stare at the clock, wondering if wells will be born today or tomorrow.
saturday, october 13, 2012
it's after midnight. david is standing in front of me in a gown and gloves.
one last push they tell me. i see his head. so much dark hair. dark like mine.
12:09 am
and now david is guiding our baby into this world. our world. our family of three. david has cut the umbilical cord.
i see him. i don't hear him. shouldn't he be crying? the nurses wipe him off a bit. hand him to me as i frantically pull down my gown. skin. my son's and mine. finally touching.
it's time for the one minute apgar. i know they have to take him away, just over to the side for a few minutes.
time slowly ticks by. hushed voices. doctors and nurses somewhat huddling. david walks over.
my son is purple.
my son is purple, not baby pink. new-to-this-world blush.
the doctor has a bag. a mask is over my son's mouth. my heart stops. no. not now. not after all this.
now the nurse anesthesiologist is here. the pediatrician arrives. they are all hoving over my son. my son.
they say his breathing must be stabilized.
was it me? something i did or didn't do? it must be. i make so many mistakes.
i cannot move. if i could i would be fighting the staff for sure, trying to get to him. he should be with me. i can't get this time back. these first few minutes. bond. i want to bond. i need him. i feel empty.
he is given to us for less than a minute. pictures are snapped. then he is gone.
1:00 am
praying. pleading. crying. david assures me it is not my fault. i still feel to blame. somehow.
i lie in the labor and delivery bed. there is a hole in my heart. no official report, but the nurse says he looks better.
2:00 am
i weep. i am so exhausted. i am empty. david assures me all will be fine. we pray.
now we are in the mother/baby room. i do not have a baby. he has been taken away. my son.
they say wells will be fine. they ran tests. did an xray. started an iv. my son. poked already. without me to hold him.
we might get to see him soon. it's up in the air as to when.
4:00 am
cece, the nurse, checks on me again. i don't care how i am doing. all i want is my son.
she leaves to get a report from the nursery.
4:20 am
a bassinet has returned with cece. my son. my son!
he is here. really here. in my arms. on my chest. skin. skin to skin. i melt. i sob. i cover him in kisses. i pray. and then he feeds. oh, sweet feeling. connection between us, physically, at last.
we are together: me and wells. mother and child. mom, dad and baby. family of three.
6:00 am
i'm still scared. i am happy. i cry when they take him away. he must still be monitored. this is not in my birth plan.
not my will. i must remember.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
hope. i have hope. my son.
1:30 pm
i am exhausted. and hungry. and sleepy. but the house is clean.
my sister will be here soon. she is spending the night. i have a baby shower tomorrow.
david is home from work. we lie across the bed, remark about how tired we are. and hungry. nothing in our house sounds good. olive garden it is.
my gas light is on. we take separate cars so i can fill up before lindsey gets here. sisters always go out shopping, even if it is just to use up a bit of store credit.
soup, salad and breadsticks for me. panini and soup for him. the waitress messes up his order. twice. we laugh about it. they must be out of mints-none came with our check. i save the receipt. one day i will win a customer service drawing.
3:15 pm
do do do. do do da do do do. do do do. dodo da dod do do.
not going to get that one. i'll check lindsey's voicemail in a second, seeing as how i'm currently "unavailable."
hmm. that's strange. what is that on the floor in here? the cottage walk bathroom is usually very clean.
small gasp. could it be? no. i'm barely 38 weeks. with my luck i'll certainly be a week overdue.
hmm. slight panic. still not convinced. i'm not in any pain.
i give nancy my check for my sam's membership. casually ask about her water breaking.
she panics. do i need to drive you home? you need to go home. to the hospital.
nah, i'm sure it's a false alarm. i only live a few miles away. i'm fine. besides, this looked more like what you see in the movies. everyone says it really isn't like that at all. i'm fine.
3:35 pm
stupid book. why isn't there a separate section, one that is printed on yellow pages or something that says, your water may have broken if. . .
i hand the book to david. find that part. call lee ob, he says. they closed at noon. the recording says to call labor and delivery.
i don't want to. if i do, it will be real. i'm not ready. i'm terrified.
my sister is here. don't tell her. not yet. stall her.
the call drops a minute into it. i call back. come on in, says the nurse.
lindsey, we aren't going shopping.
4:45 pm
i have convinced not one, but two nurses that i am not a victim of domestic violence. no, those aren't marks from physical acts. i'm the idiot who collected some poison ivy while attempting a pinterest project. 37 weeks pregnant and highly allergic.
so, this is what it's like to be in a labor and delivery room. david is here. lindsey is on the couch. grandparents have been called. the frenzy has begun.
contractions aren't fun, not by any means. why are they coming so intensely? and so quickly? aren't first babies usually long labors?
suddenly it is awful. the worst feeling i have ever had. i'm far enough along to get the epidural. sweet, sweet relief.
the grandparents stop by to check in.
and now the nurses want me to relax. i can barely move so that isn't terribly difficult. sleep will not come. i feel short of breath. the medication is too much.
the cosby show is on. neither david nor i are watching. he piddles on his ipad, looking over at me all the time. i look around. doze off for a few minutes at a time every now and then.
11:15 pm
okay, i'm going to get the table ready.
what? are you kidding me? already? that cannot be right. the doctor estimated anytime between midnight and 6 am. i was betting 6 am.
david kisses me. tells me i'm doing great. i can barely feel anything. am i pushing too much? too little? i stare at the clock, wondering if wells will be born today or tomorrow.
saturday, october 13, 2012
it's after midnight. david is standing in front of me in a gown and gloves.
one last push they tell me. i see his head. so much dark hair. dark like mine.
12:09 am
and now david is guiding our baby into this world. our world. our family of three. david has cut the umbilical cord.
i see him. i don't hear him. shouldn't he be crying? the nurses wipe him off a bit. hand him to me as i frantically pull down my gown. skin. my son's and mine. finally touching.
it's time for the one minute apgar. i know they have to take him away, just over to the side for a few minutes.
time slowly ticks by. hushed voices. doctors and nurses somewhat huddling. david walks over.
my son is purple.
my son is purple, not baby pink. new-to-this-world blush.
the doctor has a bag. a mask is over my son's mouth. my heart stops. no. not now. not after all this.
now the nurse anesthesiologist is here. the pediatrician arrives. they are all hoving over my son. my son.
they say his breathing must be stabilized.
was it me? something i did or didn't do? it must be. i make so many mistakes.
i cannot move. if i could i would be fighting the staff for sure, trying to get to him. he should be with me. i can't get this time back. these first few minutes. bond. i want to bond. i need him. i feel empty.
he is given to us for less than a minute. pictures are snapped. then he is gone.
1:00 am
praying. pleading. crying. david assures me it is not my fault. i still feel to blame. somehow.
i lie in the labor and delivery bed. there is a hole in my heart. no official report, but the nurse says he looks better.
2:00 am
i weep. i am so exhausted. i am empty. david assures me all will be fine. we pray.
now we are in the mother/baby room. i do not have a baby. he has been taken away. my son.
they say wells will be fine. they ran tests. did an xray. started an iv. my son. poked already. without me to hold him.
we might get to see him soon. it's up in the air as to when.
4:00 am
cece, the nurse, checks on me again. i don't care how i am doing. all i want is my son.
she leaves to get a report from the nursery.
4:20 am
a bassinet has returned with cece. my son. my son!
he is here. really here. in my arms. on my chest. skin. skin to skin. i melt. i sob. i cover him in kisses. i pray. and then he feeds. oh, sweet feeling. connection between us, physically, at last.
we are together: me and wells. mother and child. mom, dad and baby. family of three.
6:00 am
i'm still scared. i am happy. i cry when they take him away. he must still be monitored. this is not in my birth plan.
not my will. i must remember.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
hope. i have hope. my son.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
change
where did august and september go? so much has changed in the past two months. . .
we now live in opelika. david has a new job. i'm doing contract work from home.
we are 35 weeks pregnant. yes, in five weeks, give or take, wells will be here.
big changes. important changes. life changes. for someone who doesn't exactly like change in general, it's definitely been very good for me. for us.
david is happy. he loves his job. he enjoys being back "home" again.
i'm glad to no longer be in birmingham. though i do miss work and friends, life is just so much simpler here. not as fast paced. quieter. sweeter.
lots of changes. we're back in a church home. i've joined a bible study group that is doing wonders already. david has joined a men's group. he's taken up crossfit. we've furnished a nursery.
a nursery. our nursery. it still seems so unreal that wells is almost here. back in february, this time felt like it was ages away. not so much anymore. . .
changes. good changes. positive changes. lots of changes.
change can still be scary.
transitioning from a "woman who's expecting" to an actual "mother" is going to be the biggest change yet. never again will life be the same. it excites me. it terrifies me. it reminds me that i cannot do it alone. that i will not be perfect. at all. not even close.
and that's okay.
my first week of bible study, our memory verse was Hebrews 13:8
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever."
what a powerful truth: despite my circumstances, He does not change. oh, how comforting it is to read those words, to meditate on that thought.
my verse this week has been just as helpful--Galatians 3:3
"How can you be so foolish? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort?"
finishing my projects for the nursery these past two weeks has really brought this into perspective again. i can't do anything on my own. i shouldn't do it on my own. i shouldn't shame myself for imperfection. i am not perfect.
time to officially change my mentality: i am an imperfect woman loved by a perfect God.
::wipes brow:: what a relief, huh?
all i can do is my best effort. and that is okay. that is the standard. not perfection.
and with that, it's time to reveal wells's nursery photos, complete with imperfect projects that i love. knowing that wells will be in here soon makes me love it even more.
so there you have it: the beginning of the next major change.
change is good.
we now live in opelika. david has a new job. i'm doing contract work from home.
we are 35 weeks pregnant. yes, in five weeks, give or take, wells will be here.
big changes. important changes. life changes. for someone who doesn't exactly like change in general, it's definitely been very good for me. for us.
david is happy. he loves his job. he enjoys being back "home" again.
i'm glad to no longer be in birmingham. though i do miss work and friends, life is just so much simpler here. not as fast paced. quieter. sweeter.
lots of changes. we're back in a church home. i've joined a bible study group that is doing wonders already. david has joined a men's group. he's taken up crossfit. we've furnished a nursery.
a nursery. our nursery. it still seems so unreal that wells is almost here. back in february, this time felt like it was ages away. not so much anymore. . .
changes. good changes. positive changes. lots of changes.
change can still be scary.
transitioning from a "woman who's expecting" to an actual "mother" is going to be the biggest change yet. never again will life be the same. it excites me. it terrifies me. it reminds me that i cannot do it alone. that i will not be perfect. at all. not even close.
and that's okay.
my first week of bible study, our memory verse was Hebrews 13:8
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever."
what a powerful truth: despite my circumstances, He does not change. oh, how comforting it is to read those words, to meditate on that thought.
my verse this week has been just as helpful--Galatians 3:3
"How can you be so foolish? After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort?"
finishing my projects for the nursery these past two weeks has really brought this into perspective again. i can't do anything on my own. i shouldn't do it on my own. i shouldn't shame myself for imperfection. i am not perfect.
time to officially change my mentality: i am an imperfect woman loved by a perfect God.
::wipes brow:: what a relief, huh?
all i can do is my best effort. and that is okay. that is the standard. not perfection.
and with that, it's time to reveal wells's nursery photos, complete with imperfect projects that i love. knowing that wells will be in here soon makes me love it even more.
simply diy project: add patterned paper to the back of a standard bookshelf.
many thanks to my "roommate" for her decor styling!
yeah, he has a few books. . .
diy project: hubby sanded this dresser (thanks, linda and wally) and painted it.
comfy chair (thanks, mom and dad)--i foresee a lot of time being spent here
diy projects: thrift store side table with a coat of paint added to brighten it up
mod podged bottle with baby theme art--adding lights soon
diy project: felt owl mobile inspired by one i found on etsy. after making it, i now understand why she charges $100 for it.
my dad made the changing pad holder :)
(we have yet to hang anything on the walls--i tend to be indecisive when it comes to these things)
so there you have it: the beginning of the next major change.
change is good.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
dear me...
i saw this blog post by Today's Parent on twitter friday morning. it got me thinking about my 12-year-old self. wow, the differences between how i remember feeling and what i remember upon deeper reflection. let me explain:
my 12-year-old perspective of myself at 12 years old
yikes. it still saddens me to reflect.
what i wish this 12-year-old girl only knew
the good part of all this? it's the past. it is does not have to be the future. every day is a new opportunity to live, love and hope.
for many reasons, i'm glad my first child is a boy. i pray that wells will be spared the plagues of body image issues and mental illness.
accepting my changing body has been a challenge. some days more than others. i rely on information about health and this process to keep me focused. (and the fact that my husband can't take his eyes off me and always wants to touch me--while at times a nuisance--doesn't hurt.)
my 12-year-old perspective of myself at 12 years old
- my thighs are so much bigger than everyone else in dance class.
- i have to be a "base" in cheerleading because i'm too fat to be a "flyer."
- if only i could buy my clothes at "xyz" store, maybe i'd be more popular.
- the girls on my cheerleading squad don't like me because i don't go to their school.
- mom says boys like me, but are intimidated by my being smart.
- i hate being labeled "smart"
- i have to make straight As. no exceptions.
- i need to be perfect.
yikes. it still saddens me to reflect.
what i wish this 12-year-old girl only knew
- you will fail in life. and you will survive.
- you are not defined by your body shape or size.
- popularity has nothing to do with material possessions or location. if it does, you don't want to associate with those people anyway.
- your gpa will only get you so far. your future employers have no interest in it.
- being "labeled smart" isn't a bad thing. it gives you respect in many cases.
- perfection is unattainable.
- oh, one more thing: in about two years you will meet the love of your life. definitely something to get excited about.
the good part of all this? it's the past. it is does not have to be the future. every day is a new opportunity to live, love and hope.
for many reasons, i'm glad my first child is a boy. i pray that wells will be spared the plagues of body image issues and mental illness.
accepting my changing body has been a challenge. some days more than others. i rely on information about health and this process to keep me focused. (and the fact that my husband can't take his eyes off me and always wants to touch me--while at times a nuisance--doesn't hurt.)
it helps to focus on the truth, what i know to be absolute:
"Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD; the fruit of the womb is a reward." Psalm 127:3
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
little things
it takes very little for me to get slightly wound up, in general.
case in point-- conversation between hubby and me driving down highway 280:
me: "so, honestly, driving in the center lane and seeing cars drive past you on both sides doesn't bother you at all? doesn't make you want to immediately change lanes?"
hubby: "no. i mean, i see them, but i'm fine right here."
me: "wow. that must be nice."
it's so easy to forget the little things. the small parts of every day that make me smile. being a pessimist at heart, i have to work to focus on the positive, especially when things get rough.
but, i think pregnancy is helping to change my perspective. my focus has most definitely shifted to be more in tune with daily events instead of generally worrying about what may or may not happen in the future. it used to be a lot easier to look over the details of every day. i now find myself noticing the details in everyday life that i used to take for granted, or, at the very least, ignore.
like david's laughter.
my husband has the most intoxicating laugh. seriously. one of the earliest indications that i knew i would fall in love with him? he laughed, OUT LOUD, during an episode of the golden girls (that i made him watch with me).
not too long ago, we were talking about something and i noticed david's laugh again. i found myself thinking, "i certainly hope wells has his father's sense of humor. i wonder if his laugh will sound the same." i'm sure you can only imagine the huge smile that came to my face.
i'm trying to take it day by day. hour by hour. some days, minute by minute. i'm learning to focus on the small things.
like baby flutters. the first kick. the first set of hiccups. the expression on david's face the first time he felt wells move inside of me.
yes, on the tough days, these are the little things that make everything okay.
case in point-- conversation between hubby and me driving down highway 280:
me: "so, honestly, driving in the center lane and seeing cars drive past you on both sides doesn't bother you at all? doesn't make you want to immediately change lanes?"
hubby: "no. i mean, i see them, but i'm fine right here."
me: "wow. that must be nice."
it's so easy to forget the little things. the small parts of every day that make me smile. being a pessimist at heart, i have to work to focus on the positive, especially when things get rough.
but, i think pregnancy is helping to change my perspective. my focus has most definitely shifted to be more in tune with daily events instead of generally worrying about what may or may not happen in the future. it used to be a lot easier to look over the details of every day. i now find myself noticing the details in everyday life that i used to take for granted, or, at the very least, ignore.
like david's laughter.
my husband has the most intoxicating laugh. seriously. one of the earliest indications that i knew i would fall in love with him? he laughed, OUT LOUD, during an episode of the golden girls (that i made him watch with me).
not too long ago, we were talking about something and i noticed david's laugh again. i found myself thinking, "i certainly hope wells has his father's sense of humor. i wonder if his laugh will sound the same." i'm sure you can only imagine the huge smile that came to my face.
i'm trying to take it day by day. hour by hour. some days, minute by minute. i'm learning to focus on the small things.
like baby flutters. the first kick. the first set of hiccups. the expression on david's face the first time he felt wells move inside of me.
yes, on the tough days, these are the little things that make everything okay.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
mantra, anyone?
"you need a mantra."
i stared at my therapist. huh?
"you spend a lot of time in your head. you need a mantra to refocus."
hmm. okay. makes sense. i guess. so we ran through a few. nothing struck me.
then: "let go or be dragged."
"no."
"why not?"
"i see myself being drug all over the place with that one."
she cocks her head at me.
"yeah, i know. that's the one."
flashback to five years ago, when i heard the same thing: "ever think that you are allowing yourself to be strung along?" ouch. maybe it's just me, but that's a painful reality. nothing hurts more than the truth sometimes.
so, "let go or be dragged" is my new mantra. now, i don't want you to picture me sitting around on a mat, burning incense and chanting (though, some days, that might prove to be helpful...)
for me, the mantra is to help me get back the moment. one of the worst things for me to do when dealing with ED or any other negative stressor is to dwell on it--breath life into it and give it room to grow. it happens--more than i would like to admit.
maybe it sounds crazy: why would i choose to be drug around by negative thoughts? good question. i'd rather not be, but for me, it's my "autopilot:" the route my mind naturally takes. if you actually saw the thought process to get back to what most of you would call "normal," you'd be exhausted.
distractions help. they're a lifesaver some days.
creating gets me out of my head. it's hard to concentrate on irrational thoughts when i'm flattening bottle caps. in fact, using the rubber mallet is quite therapeutic.
here's my newest jewelry adventure: bottle cap pendants. i made this one in honor of my son :)
this is me: refusing to be drug.
i stared at my therapist. huh?
"you spend a lot of time in your head. you need a mantra to refocus."
hmm. okay. makes sense. i guess. so we ran through a few. nothing struck me.
then: "let go or be dragged."
"no."
"why not?"
"i see myself being drug all over the place with that one."
she cocks her head at me.
"yeah, i know. that's the one."
flashback to five years ago, when i heard the same thing: "ever think that you are allowing yourself to be strung along?" ouch. maybe it's just me, but that's a painful reality. nothing hurts more than the truth sometimes.
so, "let go or be dragged" is my new mantra. now, i don't want you to picture me sitting around on a mat, burning incense and chanting (though, some days, that might prove to be helpful...)
for me, the mantra is to help me get back the moment. one of the worst things for me to do when dealing with ED or any other negative stressor is to dwell on it--breath life into it and give it room to grow. it happens--more than i would like to admit.
maybe it sounds crazy: why would i choose to be drug around by negative thoughts? good question. i'd rather not be, but for me, it's my "autopilot:" the route my mind naturally takes. if you actually saw the thought process to get back to what most of you would call "normal," you'd be exhausted.
distractions help. they're a lifesaver some days.
creating gets me out of my head. it's hard to concentrate on irrational thoughts when i'm flattening bottle caps. in fact, using the rubber mallet is quite therapeutic.
here's my newest jewelry adventure: bottle cap pendants. i made this one in honor of my son :)
this is me: refusing to be drug.
Friday, June 1, 2012
run away cats
yes, it's been a while. too long. my apologies.
so, anyway, last week, my cats ran away. both of them. at different times. it was like they were tag teaming my nerves or something.
gabby and tino are indoor cats. mostly because i am overprotective and haven't lived anywhere with a fence until i married david. besides, i want them inside to cuddle with me.
last friday night, my sweet in-laws came over to install the back splash in our kitchen, which means the wet saw was being used, which means the garage was needed, which led to no one thinking about putting up the cat door stopper. oops.
around midnight, david realized gabby was missing, which led to us roaming the streets for her (me, half asleep in my old pink bath robe). no luck. solution? sleep with the garage door up. she'll come home.
and she did. by 5 am, gabby was on the bed meowing. and tino was no where to be found.
i admit it: tino is my favorite. yes, he is BAD, and can be intensely annoying, but he's the sweetest animal i've ever encountered. seriously. he loves to be in my lap on the couch. in the bed, he prefers to be the "little spoon."
so, yes, at this point, i paniced a bit. overall, i did a great job of keeping it together. i just kept reminding myself of how the stress could affect the baby. i tried my best to remain calm. by 9 pm, when i turned off the bedroom light, i was convinced he was gone for good. no amount of roaming the streets, driving around, or calling had produced my cat.
sleep lasted only a few hours. by 11:30, i was sitting outside on the driveway, propped up in david's tailgate chair with a beach towel to ease the chill.
after a short while, i noticed all the cars, mostly with teenage boys or boy/girl combinations, flying down the street. huh? then it clicked: date night. midnight curfew. beginning of summer--don't blow it.
my hand immediately went to my belly. great. this is what i have to look forward to: waiting up for my son to come home once he's driving on his own. flashback to my own mother waiting for me in high school. big sigh.
then, mild panic: if i am this saddened by my cat running away, what would i ever do if my CHILD did this? panic: or if he was taken from me? i immediately began to think of all the stories of lost children--how in the world did those mothers go on every day, not knowing, wondering, worrying, panicking? enter massive panic. sobbing. over my run away cat and unborn missing child. thank you, hormones.
reflecting a week later, i'm still trying to see what i can learn from the experience. my conclusion? i need to trust more. i need to trust that there is always a bigger picture. the hardest part is accepting that it might not ever be revealed to me.
after searching for a verse to help me believe and learn to trust, i've settled on this one:
i've had several moments of panic and sheer terror since finding out i was pregnant. from small incidents to letting my worries get the best of me, it's been an up and down experience so far (more up than down, but still...). developing a greater sense of trust will help me get through the next few months, and, more importantly, the rest of my life as a mother. because it never ends, this parent gig. i've always known that, but am now beginning to understand it intimately.
thankfully, this small misadventure had a happy ending: at 12:45 am, sleepless, i decided to lie across the spare room bed, where i could see the cat door and most likely hear it opening. a little orange head popped through at 1:49 am.
so, anyway, last week, my cats ran away. both of them. at different times. it was like they were tag teaming my nerves or something.
gabby and tino are indoor cats. mostly because i am overprotective and haven't lived anywhere with a fence until i married david. besides, i want them inside to cuddle with me.
last friday night, my sweet in-laws came over to install the back splash in our kitchen, which means the wet saw was being used, which means the garage was needed, which led to no one thinking about putting up the cat door stopper. oops.
around midnight, david realized gabby was missing, which led to us roaming the streets for her (me, half asleep in my old pink bath robe). no luck. solution? sleep with the garage door up. she'll come home.
and she did. by 5 am, gabby was on the bed meowing. and tino was no where to be found.
i admit it: tino is my favorite. yes, he is BAD, and can be intensely annoying, but he's the sweetest animal i've ever encountered. seriously. he loves to be in my lap on the couch. in the bed, he prefers to be the "little spoon."
so, yes, at this point, i paniced a bit. overall, i did a great job of keeping it together. i just kept reminding myself of how the stress could affect the baby. i tried my best to remain calm. by 9 pm, when i turned off the bedroom light, i was convinced he was gone for good. no amount of roaming the streets, driving around, or calling had produced my cat.
sleep lasted only a few hours. by 11:30, i was sitting outside on the driveway, propped up in david's tailgate chair with a beach towel to ease the chill.
after a short while, i noticed all the cars, mostly with teenage boys or boy/girl combinations, flying down the street. huh? then it clicked: date night. midnight curfew. beginning of summer--don't blow it.
my hand immediately went to my belly. great. this is what i have to look forward to: waiting up for my son to come home once he's driving on his own. flashback to my own mother waiting for me in high school. big sigh.
then, mild panic: if i am this saddened by my cat running away, what would i ever do if my CHILD did this? panic: or if he was taken from me? i immediately began to think of all the stories of lost children--how in the world did those mothers go on every day, not knowing, wondering, worrying, panicking? enter massive panic. sobbing. over my run away cat and unborn missing child. thank you, hormones.
reflecting a week later, i'm still trying to see what i can learn from the experience. my conclusion? i need to trust more. i need to trust that there is always a bigger picture. the hardest part is accepting that it might not ever be revealed to me.
after searching for a verse to help me believe and learn to trust, i've settled on this one:
Isaiah 12:2: " Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. ”
i've had several moments of panic and sheer terror since finding out i was pregnant. from small incidents to letting my worries get the best of me, it's been an up and down experience so far (more up than down, but still...). developing a greater sense of trust will help me get through the next few months, and, more importantly, the rest of my life as a mother. because it never ends, this parent gig. i've always known that, but am now beginning to understand it intimately.
thankfully, this small misadventure had a happy ending: at 12:45 am, sleepless, i decided to lie across the spare room bed, where i could see the cat door and most likely hear it opening. a little orange head popped through at 1:49 am.
 |
| my little spoon :) |
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
rest
rest. i think i overlook this verb frequently. as a woman, there always seems to be something to do. be it dishes, laundry, personal care, whatever. we do. and we do a lot.
i love children. i've spent the past ten years in the early care and education field. in the nonprofit sector, nonetheless. obviously, i did not choose this to get rich.
when i think about become a mother to this precious baby inside of me, i sometimes start to panic. what will that be like? will i be able to handle motherhood?
my worries stem from what i know about myself: i am a giver. i hate to say no (though i am getting much better at it). i like things to be as perfect as they can be (though i am learning to be more gentle with myself). i worry about not resting as i should...i cringe at the thought of eating my words (i am always telling the parents i work with to take time for themselves. you can't give to your family if you don't take any meet your own needs).
and then i breath. i reflect. i remember that i am not alone. i am not perfect, nor am i expected to be.
"Then Jesus said to them 'Come to me, all who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest.'" ~Matthew 11:28
along with a love of children comes the love of child-like things: books, linking toys and stuffed animals, just to name a few. it is this passion that reminds me of one of my favorite passages in scripture:
"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'" ~Matthew 19:14
what does it all come down to? faith. faith that things will work out as they should, in their own time. with all the bumps and curves that come with it.
today, i bought my baby a gift. i fell in love with it onsite. when i saw the back of it, i knew it was for me as much as my child.
bunnies for buganda is a wonderful fair-trade ministry that makes these adorable animals. i loved the idea of a child receiving one because i purchased one for my own. for now, it serves as a reminder that it's okay to rest. to let go of worries. that i need to rely on faith. even more, i can't wait for the day to explain the meaning behind it to my own little one.
p.s. you can "like" bunnies for buganda on facebook too (of course).
i love children. i've spent the past ten years in the early care and education field. in the nonprofit sector, nonetheless. obviously, i did not choose this to get rich.
when i think about become a mother to this precious baby inside of me, i sometimes start to panic. what will that be like? will i be able to handle motherhood?
my worries stem from what i know about myself: i am a giver. i hate to say no (though i am getting much better at it). i like things to be as perfect as they can be (though i am learning to be more gentle with myself). i worry about not resting as i should...i cringe at the thought of eating my words (i am always telling the parents i work with to take time for themselves. you can't give to your family if you don't take any meet your own needs).
and then i breath. i reflect. i remember that i am not alone. i am not perfect, nor am i expected to be.
"Then Jesus said to them 'Come to me, all who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest.'" ~Matthew 11:28
along with a love of children comes the love of child-like things: books, linking toys and stuffed animals, just to name a few. it is this passion that reminds me of one of my favorite passages in scripture:
"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'" ~Matthew 19:14
what does it all come down to? faith. faith that things will work out as they should, in their own time. with all the bumps and curves that come with it.
today, i bought my baby a gift. i fell in love with it onsite. when i saw the back of it, i knew it was for me as much as my child.
bunnies for buganda is a wonderful fair-trade ministry that makes these adorable animals. i loved the idea of a child receiving one because i purchased one for my own. for now, it serves as a reminder that it's okay to rest. to let go of worries. that i need to rely on faith. even more, i can't wait for the day to explain the meaning behind it to my own little one.
p.s. you can "like" bunnies for buganda on facebook too (of course).
Friday, April 13, 2012
all you need
i'm a sucker for cheese. cheesy stuff, that is. give me a good romantic comedy. pick me a flower. set the coffee pot for me. if it's a sweet gesture, i'll fall for it every time.
one of my favorite movies is love actually. what's not to love? it combines myslight obsession with british culture, colin firth, hugh grant, a great soundtrack, and, of course, an extra dose of cheese. it's hard to choose a favorite scene, but this one is definitely one of them (along with the mark and juliet "carol singers" scene):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqHRMuUhmnA
**Note embedding was disabled. Just take the extra second to click and watch it, okay?**
oh yeah, the movie also has a wedding. and a proposal. cheese overload? yes, please.
anyway. so at the end of last june, i attended my first magnolia creek alumni reunion. the timing was perfect: i was stressed. i was tired. i was feeling alone.
the last activity we did that day involved each of us getting a sheet of paper with a single phrase on it. we were told that we had to figure out how they were related. this was mine:
coincidence? i think not.
it now hangs on my closet door as a reminder.
i've mentioned faith and fate on this blog a lot already, but i'll say it again: despite the rough times i've been through (and am sure are ahead too), i truly believe that everything happens some way for a reason. there is no accident. life is a chain of events.
it is this amazing group of women in recovery that reminded me that creating is therapy for me. and a reason i started this blog in the first place. yeah, i know, the crafts haven't been showing up...(oops)
but i have been creating! see?
i love my crafts. love the process. love the thought that goes into them. however, the best ones are made with love.
.JPG)
it should be ready at the end of october.
(side note: to those who understand, it's a "tough mudder" baby!)
one of my favorite movies is love actually. what's not to love? it combines my
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqHRMuUhmnA
**Note embedding was disabled. Just take the extra second to click and watch it, okay?**
oh yeah, the movie also has a wedding. and a proposal. cheese overload? yes, please.
anyway. so at the end of last june, i attended my first magnolia creek alumni reunion. the timing was perfect: i was stressed. i was tired. i was feeling alone.
the last activity we did that day involved each of us getting a sheet of paper with a single phrase on it. we were told that we had to figure out how they were related. this was mine:
it now hangs on my closet door as a reminder.
i've mentioned faith and fate on this blog a lot already, but i'll say it again: despite the rough times i've been through (and am sure are ahead too), i truly believe that everything happens some way for a reason. there is no accident. life is a chain of events.
it is this amazing group of women in recovery that reminded me that creating is therapy for me. and a reason i started this blog in the first place. yeah, i know, the crafts haven't been showing up...(oops)
but i have been creating! see?
i love my crafts. love the process. love the thought that goes into them. however, the best ones are made with love.
.JPG)
it should be ready at the end of october.
(side note: to those who understand, it's a "tough mudder" baby!)
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
bingeing
for those of us who fight the urge to binge and purge, it's usually related to a need to escape. a way to numb out from life. to not deal with whatever situations, emotions, or worries are plaguing us.
ed tells you its the only way to deal with the mess inside your head.
yet another one of his lies.
my daily quote calendar has given me some great inspiration for posts. i'm just now getting around to writing one...(if i did this during working hours, it would happen more often.)
see, i've been living. enjoying life. getting outside of my head. a lot.
julia child said it best: life itself is the proper binge.
this past weekend, i enjoyed frozen limeades, sunshine and a book i could not put down (sing you home). i opened the windows and took long naps. i went to easter service. alone. i painted my toenails a glittery red. i window shopped online. i watched an old movie on lifetime.
yes, it was a binge: a "i'm doing whatever i want, when i want, outside of my thoughts and feelings" weekend. and at night, when my husband returned home from his last working weekend (YAY!), i snuggled up against him on the couch and in the bed.
i didn't run away. i lived. and i loved every minute of it.
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